The Nuclear Nine

Today at church my bishop invited a marriage and family counselor to present a lesson during the third hour. Yes, my church lasts for three hours every Sunday. Yes, it is long, and sometimes I become confused about the purpose of my attendance in the later hours because I spend most of my time pacing the halls with a very tired, wired Jdog. But even his busy, overtired state is extremely enjoyable. At least, it is to me. The devout lesson listeners sitting around me might be a little annoyed by Jdog's distracting grunts and whines, but they can't really blame me for doing by best to sift something enlightening from the meeting. And today I was very happy I stayed to pace and bounce baby J at the back of the chapel.

The counselor came prepared with a very intriguing list. He called it "the nuclear nine." It is nuclear because appropriately acknowledging and evaluating each item is at the core of constructing a good marriage. It is also nuclear because these items are the common bombs that break couples up. I expect that I will be thinking about this list for some time. Maybe I will comment on it later. But, for now, I want to write it down properly (somewhere other than a text to myself on my phone) so that it can marination in my mind. So, here they are, the nuclear nine (in no particular order of importance, except for the first one):

1. Selfishness: an individual pursuit that serves the self to the detriment of a relationship
2. Lack of commitment. Decision> commitment >conversion. Even if you are 98% committed to your relationship, that last 2% will kill it.
3. Lack of unity of purpose.
4. Reciprocity rather than striving for mutuality: doing things within the relationship because you are hoping for a response.
5. Not understanding the true nature and dynamics of intimacy.
6. Not understanding the nature of real love.
7. Inability to address discomfort.
8. Not working to be friends.
9. Expectations.

A lot of good things to think about. Can't wait to start.