The Nuclear Nine

Today at church my bishop invited a marriage and family counselor to present a lesson during the third hour. Yes, my church lasts for three hours every Sunday. Yes, it is long, and sometimes I become confused about the purpose of my attendance in the later hours because I spend most of my time pacing the halls with a very tired, wired Jdog. But even his busy, overtired state is extremely enjoyable. At least, it is to me. The devout lesson listeners sitting around me might be a little annoyed by Jdog's distracting grunts and whines, but they can't really blame me for doing by best to sift something enlightening from the meeting. And today I was very happy I stayed to pace and bounce baby J at the back of the chapel.

The counselor came prepared with a very intriguing list. He called it "the nuclear nine." It is nuclear because appropriately acknowledging and evaluating each item is at the core of constructing a good marriage. It is also nuclear because these items are the common bombs that break couples up. I expect that I will be thinking about this list for some time. Maybe I will comment on it later. But, for now, I want to write it down properly (somewhere other than a text to myself on my phone) so that it can marination in my mind. So, here they are, the nuclear nine (in no particular order of importance, except for the first one):

1. Selfishness: an individual pursuit that serves the self to the detriment of a relationship
2. Lack of commitment. Decision> commitment >conversion. Even if you are 98% committed to your relationship, that last 2% will kill it.
3. Lack of unity of purpose.
4. Reciprocity rather than striving for mutuality: doing things within the relationship because you are hoping for a response.
5. Not understanding the true nature and dynamics of intimacy.
6. Not understanding the nature of real love.
7. Inability to address discomfort.
8. Not working to be friends.
9. Expectations.

A lot of good things to think about. Can't wait to start.

Esteban and Hill's Wedding: The Perfect Storm

When I was young(ish) I heard tell of a fiery fellow who was the older brother of the wonder boy I had a huge crush on. Rumor had it that wonder boy’s brother generally did not like the girls he dated. I do not know if there was any truth to this hearsay. But I do remember being afraid of him, or at least of what he thought of me. Whenever we play ‘Word on the Street’ I still sort of am. I do not know why. Probably because he’s extremely intelligent, and occasionally when conversing with him he morphs his face into a fierce interpretation of “The Scream.” It’s pretty scary.

But on the inside Esteban is all heart. I can see his sweet insides ooze whenever he’s around my boys. And they love him too. How could they not? He is funny, a great playmate, and can grow a killer beard—all traits that his new wife Hill adores as well. I adore them both and I look forward to every chance we will get to spend time with them.

Esteban and Hill’s wedding today was like a dream: an intimate setting, a classy feeling, finely tuned details and a whole lot of love. If I could go back I would copy her bouquet—peonies, fresh hay grass and various green buds. Esteban also wore some sort of green bud on his lapel, to which Atrain said, “That’s crazy, uncle Esteban!” And then he proceeded to pick all of the grass flowers he could find for the newly married bride and groom. I admire the way Esteban and Hill do things. These two will be inspiring me for years to come.

The couple married later in the day and then had a beautiful dinner with close friends and family out on the farmland great Grandpa worked for decades. It also took a lot of work to orchestrate their dutch-oven dinner there—especially with the thunderstorm that rolled through during the temple ceremony and literally tore the tents, tables and décor apart. When we came out of the Manti temple and heard the thunder rolling in the distance, anxiety levels were peaked. My heart was aching for Hill. But Esteban held her tight, said “oh, don’t cry,” and then rushed to the scene to put it all back together.

It was beautiful: not just the way the way the light canopy twinkled in the sunset; the way the bushels of sage and basil were strewn across moss and potato sacs down the tables; the linen topped hay bails used as seats; the blue-grass music drifting across acres of green crops; or even the eclectic, take-home memento china plates the steaming dutch-oven dinner was served on. It was the way it was done—their vision, careful planning, persistence, and desire for the family to be—not just an accessory to, but a part of their special day. Being there made me feel special.

I can’t wait to witness and learn from all the incredible things these two do with their lives together. They inspire me—so much that I revised a well-known blue grass song, “The Devil Went Down to Georgia,” in their honor. I posted the words yesterday. We had a lot of fun performing it out on the farm during the wedding dinner. Famous and I played the parts of the cast-off ex girlfriends doing the “single ladies” dance during the devil’s musical interlude. Not sure if anyone else thought it was funny, but man it was fun. I’m sure lucky that I love my in-laws. And, let it be on the record that I do not think Esteban is like the devil. Aint no truth to that comparison made in this revision. But truth be told, I do believe Uncle Esteban has a heart of gold.

The Devil gets Married

“The Devil went down to Georgia”

*Revised for Esteban and Hill's wedding*

‘Ol Stevie went up to New York

He was lookin’ for a heart to steel

He was in a bind, ‘cos he was 29

And he was willin’ to make a deal.

When he came across this young gal

Sawin’ into hearts (and she was HOT)

So Stevie jumped up on a road bump

And said, “Girl let me tell you what…”

I bet you didn’t know it,

but I’m a player of hearts too

And if you care to take a dare,

I’ll make a bet with you.

Now you’ve got a pretty good game girl,

but give “ol Stevie his due

I’ll bet my heart of gold against your soul,

‘cos I think I’m better than you.

The gal said, “My name’s Hillary and it might be a sin,

But I’ll take you’re bet and you’re gonna regret

‘cos I’m the best there’s ever been!

(CHORUS)
Hillary rosin up your bow

And play those heart strings hard

‘cos Hell’s broke loose in New York

And ‘ol Stephen deals the cards

And if you win, you get his shiny heart, made of gold

But if you loose ‘ol Stevie gets your soul

‘Ol Stevie opened up his case and said “I’ll start this show”

And fire flew from his finger tips as he rosined up his bow

And he pulled the bow across his strings and it made an evil hiss

Then a band of ex-girlfriends joined in and it sounded something like this

When ‘ol Stevie finished, Hillary said, “Well, you’re pretty good ‘ol son

But sit down in Times Square, right there, and let me show you how it’s done!

F­­­­­ire on the skyline, run boys run

Hillary is in the house of the risin’ sun

Cookin’ in the bread pan, makin’ lots of dough

“Ready for your first night?”

“No, child, no.”

“Ol Stephen bowed his head because he knew that he’d been beat.

So he laid his golden heatt on the ground at Hillary’s feet.

Hillary said: “Stephen just marry me, and we’ll play again and again.

But I told you once, you son of a Pat, I’m the best that’s ever been.”

And they played fire on the skyline, run boys, run.

Mam-Frands built a house in the risin’ sun.

Cookin’ in the bread pan, makin lots of dough.

“Stephen will we ever fight?”

“No, child no.”