Today my world spun backwards. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t fight the gravity of regressive forces sucking me into a deep, dirty, grumpy hole.
The ants came back. They crept into the pajamas I left on the floor when it was dark. When I awoke for my nightly writing routine I slipped them on and quickly gained new appreciate for the term “ants in my pants.” After our third attempt at extermination today I feel like either poison or dead pests are sticking to the bottom of my feet.
Little Atrain chose to poop in his pants. I caught him right as he stood in the doorway of the playroom, contemplating the act. I offered him any of the toys and treats in the potty box if he would just sit on the toilet for a few minutes. “No thank you,” he said. I told him I would buy him the biggest truck at the D.I. if he would just use the toilet like a big boy. “I want to be a baby,” he said. I threatened to take away his potty training toys. He went through the list of toys he owned that weren’t potty training toys and said, “That’s ok.” I begged him. He screamed, “I don’t want to!” I gave up. He pooped his pants.
After that incident I told the husband that I feel like I’m a horrible mom. He laughed at me. I wasn’t joking, so this wasn’t the reaction I was searching for. I nearly started spilling it all, trying to explain to him how frustrated I feel when I spend a half hour trying—unsuccessfully—to convince my kid to use the toilet; how guilty my conscious becomes when I wonder if my sweet little Jdog feels neglected as he watches all my attention focus on his balky big brother; and how much I hate that I can’t keep myself away from the delicious plate of brownies on the counter. But, then I realized that I would need an interpreter to relay such a load of motherly emotion to the husband. It’s not that he’s not supportive. It’s just that sometimes we speak in different languages, and I didn’t have the energy to interpret my feelings today. So, right after, “I just feel,” spilled over my lips, I stopped the dam from breaking and took the kids to the park to get some fresh air (and avoid the ant extermination fumes).
Sometimes days just don’t work the way you want them to. I want to teach my children to be good. I want to keep my house clean. I want to have dinner together at the table as a family without the TV—even if that dinner is pizza and the TV viewing is epic. And I don’t want to feel like the only one working on these things. But some days, sometimes, things don’t work the way you want them to. And that’s ok.
Tomorrow’s agenda: work hard, recover my sense of humor, and be ok with backwards.
interesting. I had much the same day yesterday. only I'm sure I didn't hold it together as well as you did. :) we can do it! I need your girl power CD from high school!
ReplyDeleteNo worries Mel, we all have those days. Remember that Heavenly Father endows you with extra power when you become a mom. Angels are round about you to gird up, to get through those hopeless or frustrating times.
ReplyDeleteYour doing awesome. You are a great mother! The fact that you even actually think about wanting to teach you children good things, keep a clean house, or have dinner as a family means that you will have those things. Some may come sooner than later, but they will all come in due time.
I had a really bad experience at the park today and felt like the worst mother ever. I know how you feel, at least a little bit, as I sit here and sulk, praying, begging for Little Girl to take a nap. Yeah, this job makes one feel pretty awful at it most of the time.
ReplyDeleteHey! I just found your blog and am loving reading your thoughts. I certainly can relate to your day. Funny, I don't think dads ever think they are horrible fathers--it seems to be unique to mothers, doesn't it? As far as the pooping in the pants thing-- Liza struggled for a while with the choice (and it is a choice) between being a big girl and going in her potty or being a baby and going in her pants--drove me crazy but I could see that this was a big psychological issue for her! The magic bullet ended up being a little DVD called Potty Power that got her excited about being a big kid-- seriously worth the ten bucks on Amazon. But good luck and I will enjoy "hearing" about your life!
ReplyDeleteit's good to be back in the puddle after our week of absenteeism.
ReplyDeletei think dad's have moments of self-doubt. maybe for different reasons?
glad to hear A-train is doing better. vertigo is always perplexing and disruptive. glad he got over it so quickly...
Remember that Atrain will probably be potty trained by kindergarten, it is all a phase and won't last forever, and you are successful as long as you are trying. Some of these days seem to last years, I know. It takes all of our strength to climb out of them on top sometimes.
ReplyDeleteHe laughed because thinking you are a horrible mom is preposterous. Impossible. You're amazing.