Be of Good Cheer

Nothing is as magical as Christmas Eve:  the stories are read; the pajamas are put on; the cookies are laid out; the scriptures are rehearsed; and then the boys wrestle themselves to sleep with anticipation, knowing that the morning will bring great joy.  My heart pounds with excitement as the husband and I wrap gifts, hoping that Atrain and Jdog will love their new gifts.

And then, morning came.  Jdog's smile was pure surprise and joy as he spotted his new riding car.  He wobbled over to it with unsteady enthusiasm bouncing from his feet.  Atrain was just as excited, but it was with a sense of pride.  He went with me to pick up this gift from a KSL deal and he has been talking about it since.  He helped Jdog into it and pushed him around before opening his own gifts.  He loves his brother so much.

Atrain was equally as excited to open his very own, new "Cars 2" boat from Santa.  But, he knew it was coming.  The big surprise came from mom and dad: a new razor scooter.  He was a little reluctant at first, but within the hour he was making circles 'round the staircase. The husband and I sat there watching our boys race around the house in their new toys as a couple other stocking presents sat unopened.  And then, we simultaneously agreed that they really don't need a lot.  In fact, they could do with a lot less.  That is when we promptly took Atrain's gift from me downstairs to store it away for his birthday.  The joint "mom and dad" gift of the scooter was enough.  He didn't even notice.

As we got ready for church I thought a lot about my babies, and about how much I love them.  In all the anticipation of Christmas, and dreaming, planning and preparing for that magical night, I hope I was able to "give" them what is most important--what they really need: the love of their family; the love of God, and the comforts that swaddle and support their growth.  The baby Jesus had swaddling clothes, a loving Father in Heaven and on earth, and a mother who kept and pondered all these things in her heart.

I thought about this Christmas day, and I keep coming back to a moment with Atrain during church.  This particular sacrament meeting was so far from perfect--including a moment where I had to sing and Atrain was hauled out into the hall crying, "I want my mommy!"  Sweet and funny boy.  But, the moment that keeps carving itself into my heart was when the sacrament was passed.  Atrain snuggled on my lap while I whispered in his ear my thoughts about Jesus.  The whisper was a miracle.  The Spirit that sat with us there, was a miracle.  Atrain felt it--his calm, listening heart reflected it.  The Holy Ghost sank that feeling deep into my memory--and the hope for more sacrament feelings this to come.

I think that to be merry, or to "be of good cheer" is a commandment from Christ.  (John 16:33).  It is different than the excitement and surprise of the Christmas season.  It is the peace that is in Christ.  It is the hope for a better world, and the actions that attest of that hope.  After all, he has overcome the world.

The Day Before Christmas

T'was the day before Christmas and all through the house

Every creature was stirring, no one was a louse;

Cinnomon rolls were baked in the oven with care,

In hopes that children, ravenous soon would be there.

Family members were nestled at the table with warm breads, 

while visions of snowmobiles danced in their heads.

And dada with his orange juice and I with eggs stacked,

Had just settled down for a sweet winter snack

Then, from out of the stake center there arose such a clatter--

we sprange from our chairs to see what was the matter.

Away to the cars, we all flew like a flash,

Tore open the doors, and inside it we smashed.

The sun on the breast of no new-fallen snow,

Showed the lustre of every mid-day objects below.

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But microfiber cloths and eight bottles of window cleaner!

With a little grandpappy driver, so lively and quick,

I knew in a moment we'd be serving the lonely and sick.

More rapid than eagles his prodgeny they came, 

And we whistled and shouted, and called them by name,

"Now Bibbers! now, Beekles! now, Bubbins! and Gooney!

On, Atrain! On Jdog! On Mster! and  Gummy!

Shine the top of their windows! To the top of the wall!

Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"

And then, in a twinkling, we arrived below the roof

To clean up the paws of school girls' and boys' hoofs.

As I drew in my head, and was turning around,

From the gym, all the dodge balls came in with a bound.

We weren't dressed for a game, but soon every foot,

Was soon all tarnished with dodgeball blood, sweat and soot.

A bundle of games Grandpappy flung out of his sack,

And he looked like a proud coach as he opened his pack.

His eyes--how they twinkled! His smile, how merry!

His cheeks were like roses, hit by big bouncy balls-cherry!

A wink of his eye and the twist of his head,

Soon led us to where my sick grandmother tread.

He said not a word, but at the piano he played,

And we sang of a room where baby Jesus laid.

Music filled the room with peace, joy and love,

And the spirit of Christmas--sent to us from above.

Then we sprang to our sleighs, to our team gave a whistle,

And away we all flew like the down of a thistle.

But all heard us exclaim 'ere we drove out of sight,

"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"

You know?

"I guess I should just be better at pretending nothing is wrong," the husband says.  My jaw clenches and my nostrils flare as I wonder if he is actually serious.  He is.  I try not to scoff, and work my annoyance into the dead space between us, wanting to strangle words out of him with my silence.  But he could sit there, sullen in the silence forever.  I can't.

It's the eve of Christmas eve and we just spent the evening trying to forget about our unresolved conflict that occured on the way to a lovely extended family party.  Scratch that.  I just spent the evening trying to forget.  For the husband, it's already water under the bridge: he's already let himself float downstream.  What a gift.  But I just can't let it pass.  I feel like I'm swimming upstream, and the distance between is increasing.  I just have to get back into our flow. 

I know he's frustrated with me.  He knows I know.  I always tell him what I think I know, something like, "You seem like you're angry with me for washing my hair, and taking extra time that made us late..."  He rarely admits to what I think I know, even though my wonderboy instincts always know.

"We don't communicate through conflicts well," I say.  "I think we communicate just fine," he says.  "Yes, I guess not talking is a form of communication...a lousy one" I say, trying to pick a fight.  I'm so rude, but at this point I'm desperate to get a conversation started.  "It just doesn't do any good to tell you what I'm thinking when I'm angry," he says.  "It's better than leaving it to my imagination, right?" I say.  He considers my imagination for a moment.  And then the husband grins.  He nodds.  He knows.  

We talk.  We review.  I air out my feelings.  He shares a few of his.  And, then somehow it doesn't matter what I knew.  And even if I don't really know, he knows that whatever I think I know is inevitably worse that whatever I don't know.  And, now we know. 

Link by Link

"I wear the chain I forged in life," replied the Ghost. "I made it link by link, and yard by yard; I girded it on of my own free will, and of my own free will I wore it. Is its pattern strange to you?"


The Christmas Carol is such a good story.  Tonight I saw the play on stage for the first time in my life. It's about a man who had good reasons to be both unhappy and happy.  He chose to be unhappy.  He chose to "bah humbug" everything that could have caused him joy because he was so busy and so belligerent that he bullheadedly buried everything that could have helped him be happy. 

I'm still thinking about the conversation I had with my sister a couple of weeks ago.  We talked about mothering and about happiness.  Sometimes mother "business" can get in the way of real mothering--the real nurturing, teaching, disciplining, leading and inspiring.  And, most importantly, it can get in the way of letting my children know how happy they make me.

Link by link, day by day, we forge the life we live.  What patterns do my children know?  How happy do they see me?  Do they know how important they are?  Do they feel their great worth in God's plan.  Do they understand it is a plan of happiness?  Do I?  I do.  And I can't let anything distract me from sharing that with them--day by day, link by link.

The Secret Leaker

Atrain cannot keep a secret.  He is a fabulous at being santa's little helper: he loves to help me decorate; he is a great cook--very careful to follow instructions (though he can't keep his fingers our of the sugar bucket); he is great at putting stamps on Christmas card envelopes and climbing up on the table of the post office to slide them into the mailbox; but, this little elf cannot keep a secret.

So, when the husband took Atrain shopping today to a "special" store to buy momma's present, I suspected that I wouldn't even have to try to squeeze secret information out of him.  And I was right.  As we sat together at the dinner table tonight, Atrain waited until the husband walked away, and then said with a sly, happy smile, "we bought you funny running shoes!"

 I was instantly excited, hoping that that his "funny" clue meant what I thought it did, but I tried to pretend that I didn't understand what Atrain had said because the husband was in earshot.   Bad idea.  Atrain repeated his hint with more volume and bulging eyes, "funny running shoes!," he said.  I giggled and nodded my head, but it was too late.  The husband had overheard our conversation and whisked the little secret leaker away to his bedroom to remind him about good Christmas gift giving practices.

Home Improvement

I spent some time tonight thinking about myself, I guess.  Wasn't that nice of me?  I have the voices of Julie Beck and Brandon Flowers echoing in my mind.  Good Combination.

"A woman who has a mother heart has a testimony of her identity as a daughter of God, and should she merit eternal life--the life we all yearn for--she will have the title mother, and her heart is developed with that understanding."

"And we're caught within the crossfire, of heaven and hell, and we're searchin' for shelter."

The first one was Beck.  The second one was Flowers.  Just in case you couldn't tell.

And then I bought myself a few stocking stuffers.  I'm so excited.  "The Entitlement Trap," by the Eyres. And, "I Didn't Plan to be a Witch," by Linda Eyre...and a few other goodies.

I'd like to do some home improvement.  Or, at least, some self improvement.  I'm motivated.  I'm inspired.  Maybe I'll write about it.

Missionary Monday

My dear JD,

I am so excited to write to you this morning.  I am always excited to write you, but there is something about this morning.  There is something about this week.  I am motivated; I'm so excited to be awake; and somehow I feel like I could solve all of the problems of the universe this morning...or at least in my universe.  How?  I am up before the kids.  I had a great, quiet moment to pray, and think about the prayer, and when I read my scriptures, my mind flew wide open.  Isn't that an amazing feeling?   I love it, and I want it to last as long as it can, so I had to tell you.  I feel like when I write something down, it sticks around for a little longer than it would otherwise. 

SO, what's happening?  How are you feeling?  I have been thinking about you so much, and the boys and are sending you an awesome Christmas present today.  I hope it makes it there in time.  It should, but with all of the post office delays this time of year, who knows.  But I sure hope it gets to you.  I want you to know how much you are loved and remembered--especially this time of year.  Our Christmas Card is with it too, and I think you will like it.  We took the picture on an old rusty truck.  So awesome. ;)  I have never been away from home during Christmas, and I can't imagine how hard it is, and how much you must miss your family.  I miss you so much, and love you so much, brother.  You are an amazing boy--special, for sure.  It was special to watch you grow up and to grow up with you.  Do you remember when you were little, you used to curl up beside me, and rest your head on my tummy with your fingers in your mouth?  We would nap like that.  Isn't that sweet?  You are the most naturally sweet, thoughtful boy I know.  I hope you never forget that, or loose sight of how special you really are, JD.

My life is good.  There is so much happening right now, it's crazy just trying to anticipate the changes coming up. Yes, the residency application process is confusing, it's an algorithm that decides our residency fate, not necessarily how well fit we are for a certain position.  We put in our "rank list" and each program similarly ranks a list of applicants they interviewed, and the computer does the rest.  But, I am excited.  We have some great options.  I would LOVE to have you help us move across the country.  We will probably be doing it twice in the next two years, so there will be plenty of opportunities. ;)  Thank you for offering...see what I mean about sweet?  

I have some sweet boys in my home, too.  Jdog is such a sweet boy.  I think you will adore him.  Grandpa always comments on how "sweet" he is.  And, he is.  J is now walking...wandering around, relocating things from one drawer of the house to a completely random place (drawer, box, toilet...what have you), but he busies himself happily, always returning to my leg to dig his little face in and hug me.  I love that baby.  Atrain loves him too.  He and Jdog are a good pair.  Atrain is growing so much.  He is so smart.  The other day when I was trying to be firm and discipline him, he said, "Mom, when you are done being angry, can you please put the ladder back?"  (It was discipline concerning the bunk bed).  I'm pretty sure my "firm" face wasn't exactly firm at that moment.  But, I do my best.  The boys are excited for Christmas, and I am excited for them.  We have been reading a portion of the Christmas story most every night, and hanging it on the tree.  

This Christmas will be great for our family.  Good changes are coming.  Good growth is happening.  I feel a want to change, to become better.  The past few weeks I have been thinking about repentance in a different light.  We are commanded to repent, and often I thought of repenting as something "sad" or "hard" that I had to do.  Yes, it can be hard to repent, but I am embracing it as something common...something I can do every day to get rid of my guilt.  Guilt plagues me; it encumbers my perspective; it stunts my growth.  And, when I feel guilty for something--anything, my first reaction lately has been to repent.  Even if it's something as simple as loosing my temper with my kids.  I repent, because there is no need to carry those little weights around with me, and Christ can help me change.  What a gift: to change, to grow, to become a new person in Christ. 

When I read my scriptures this morning I was reading in Jacob 2 and 3.  I wrote these words in the margin: motherhood=confidence, example, repentance, firmness, tenderness, strictness, and faith.  Every one of those words was in what I read this morning, describing the heart of a woman God loves.  I want to have those qualities as a mother.  They are so important.  In Jacob 3:2, the scriptures reads, "O all ye that are pure in heart, lift up your heads and receive the pleasing word of God, and feast upon his love; for ye may, if you r minds are firm, forever.  What a powerful scripture. I think I have found my motto for 2012.

I love you, JD!  I look forward to hearing from you every week. Thank you for being such an awesome brother, and such an inspiration to me.  Thank you for loving me.

Love,

MJ

Pee-Yu

I made the best mistake today.  I'm still laughing about it.

In my rush to join the ward choir practice before church today, I forgot to take the diaper out to the garbage.  But, I did remember to take it out to the car with me.

The husband's car.

And, then I ran into the church building to sing.

Roughly four hours later, following an incredibly uplifting afternoon, I walked to the parking lot with the husband and the kids in tow.

The husband and I swapped keys.

He walked to his little red focus, and I juggled my way to my four door rav.  "Don't worry shmubbs," I thought to myself, "I will load the kids in by myself...aren't you glad you married a tough gal."

And, that was that.

Until, that is, my cell phone rang.

"Hello?" I said.  "Hi!" said the husband.  "How do you feel about your lesson?" I asked as I followed him home.  "It was fine," he said, "Do you know what you left in my car?"

(Pause to think)

(Outburst of uncontrollable laughter)

(still laughing)

"Sorry!"

(still unable to control myself)

"It's ok," says the husband.

(more laughter)

"I bet that stinks!"

Christmas Letter 2011

"Ain't no need to watch where I'm goin'; I only need to know where I been."

-Tow Mater (Cars)

Dear Family and Friends,

Merry Christmas and happy New Year!  We hope 2011 has been a good one for you.  We think of you often, and are grateful for your good influence in our lives.  The husband and I always talk about the great people we know, and how lucky we are to have been up and down life’s roads with you.  This year has been an especially exciting ride—and though we have no idea where (exactly) we are going, our hearts are full of hope, happiness, and gratitude because of the good places our family has been this year.

The husband and I are busy surveying the map for potential places to call home during his residency.  You see, 2011 marked his final full year of medical school. (!!!!!!)  He should win a Piston cup for all the miles he has traveled this year.  He traversed the trails to, from and in Texas for two months, doing medical research at MD Anderson Cancer Center in Houston.  The boys and I flew to the lone star state to be with him for two of the eight weeks he was there.  I will never forget how good it was to see him at the Hobby airport.  Jdog (who coordinated his first crawls forward in our temporary Texas apartment) kicked and smiled with delight when he saw his dada.   Atrain ran to him with open arms.  He and the husband swam in the complex pool almost every night—swim caps, cochlears and goggles on.  The husband’s work in medical school over the past three years set him up to receive multiple interview invitations for Radiation Oncology residency programs.  By February of next year, he will have traveled from sea to shining sea and most everywhere in between.  We are excited to explore new avenues ahead.

This year I traveled from toilet trainer, to aspiring writer, to breastfeeding mother, to resident adviser, to car seat carrier, to toddler toter, to half marathon runner, to adoring partner, to anxious, stressed and overwhelmed “I don’t know how I am going to make this work” med student wife and mother of two(-er)…and back again.  It has been a bumpy road, but I’m amazed by how small the scrapes, bruises and scars seem now—quite literally.  But, I will always have the small stitch of a scar below my right eye to remind me of the battle wounds I sustained the year when I transitioned to mothering two children.  If you want the full story, visit my writing blog, thethoughtpuddle.blogspot.com, a project I began the day I went to the ER to get my face glued back together.  I love being a mother, and I love that scar.  Other incredible roads I rolled over in 2011 include: glorying in the grotesque “dirty dash” mud run with Famous, vacationing on Block Island with the husband and his family, wrestling my sisters in the kiddy pools at my family’s summer party,
and feeling my heart grow as I watch my boys learn to be brothers.

Atrain has been on a few amazing rides this year.  He learned all about what it means to be big: to wear big boy undies, to earn big boy rewards, to endure big boy expectations, and to be a big brother.  He loves to stand on furniture, flex his muscles and exclaim, “look at how big and tall and strong I am!”  Of course he is all of that, but the biggest thing about this boy is his heart.  He loves and protects all that is near and dear to him.  He is a big inspiration to us—going down the roads less traveled with his cochlear implants, and doing it ahead of his age group’s speech and language milestones.  We love him and are so proud of him. The biggest moment of his year was going on the Splash Mountain ride at Disneyland, and slaying the firework show as his larger-than-life alter ego, “Darth Atrain.”

Jdog (aka J, or Jar Jar or diga diga) has been a happy little traveler.  He brings his content, calming presence with him on every ride—and he is hilarious. He loves being (playfully) squashed by his big bro, mimicking every crude body noise he hears, tickling his own eyelashes before going to sleep, playing “car cars,” toddling down the hall and squealing with Aaron, and snuggling with dada. His personality is the perfect addition to our family. We couldn’t love him more.

Even though our family’s physical destination may be a little uncertain, we’re grateful for all the good places we have been. We are thankful for your influence on our journey, and for the constant guidance of our Father in Heaven. We wish you the best with all the roads you traverse in the upcoming year.

With love, the husband, MJ, Atrain and Jdog Family

Time to Check

It's always wonderful to have a good excuse to spend extra time in the bathroom.  On a normal, shower day, my prep time takes about twenty mintues: five to shower, five to do my make up, five to fix my hair and five to get dressed.  (It's also--conveniently--the same ammount of time it takes for an episode of "Super Why" to run it's course).  On a non shower day, I'm ready to jet out the door in five mintues flat.

Tonight I stole an extra twenty minutes to prep for the husband's pre interview dinner with the Radiation Oncology department here in Utah.  When the babysitters arrived (thank you Bonanza and Leaf) and I finally emerged from the bathroom, it was so fun to see the look on the husband's face.  He raised his eyebrows, pulled a cheezy grin, and then checked out my booty.  I love that look on his face.

Enjoying J

I have the biggest crush on Jdog lately.  His new found mobility has multiplied his adorability.

He cruises up and down our hall, all day long saying "momma, momma, momma" with a grin sweeter than sugar stuck to his face. He totes favorite objects in his chubby little hands: books, cars, and other toys that are much too large for him to carry.  And then, he scouts out secret hiding spots to bury his beautiful treasures: cars in my underwear drawer, spatulas in the diaper box, bottle nipples in the bath tub.  I love watching him wander and discover.

But, it is his constant return to me that makes me weak in the knees. He always comes back from his expiditions, chanting "momma, momma," and then wraps his arm around my leg. smashing his face into my thigh.  This, I just can't resist.  It's just too much for any momma.  I bend over, scoop up his round belly and squeeze him in my arms.  I never want to let go.

If only I could freeze these little moments and save them for later: to sweeten up a day that ends a little sour.  A little bit of J will brighten any day.

Mole Mapping

It was an awkward day.  There's just no easy way to carry on a conversation with a complete stranger when you're naked, and they have a camera in their hands.

But, it's good to know if my skin is plotting against me.  It's good to chart unwanted changes in my moles that morph with malignant qualities.  Yes, I guess, sometimes it's good to be photographed in the nude.  

So, I put up with the pointless, "where are you from," and "what did you do in college," questions that dried up in the air like stale white bread while I tried to focus on how-exactly-I should speak as the lens focused on the entirety of my epidermis.  Yes, I did it--for my family, and for my future with them--I had my moles "mapped."  Bravo.

Theodora

I added (well, was given) a new member to our family.  Her name is Theodora and she was born on December 9, 2011.  She made my day today.  Actually, the secret Santa on my work staff who gave her to me made my day.  Sometimes a midst all of the hustle and bustle and trimmings and trappings I get trapped--I forget the sweet little things that make Christmas so exciting, and so sweet: like Theodora, my very own build-a-bear.

Sweet Sisters

I was awake in the late hours of the night, talking with Bambie on the phone.  I can't remember when I last stayed up late laughing, crying and theorizing with my sister via land line.

It brought us back to the days when she used to wake up me up in the middle of the night and beg me to accompany her to the bathroom because she was scared of the dark.  It would annoy the heck out of me.

I don't like being drug from dreamland--but she would sound so pathetic, I couldn't ignore her plea for help (nor could I ignore how good it made me feel that she wanted my company and thought I would offer her any sort of protection from the boogie monster).

Once her business was done, we would crash in the same bed for the rest of the night.  It is good to grow old with a sisters.  I'm so lucky to have three.

Slumber Party

I love boys.  Especially these ones.  So does Atrain.  And, we had the best sleep over last night.  We read books.  We ate pizza.  We giggled.  We cleaned. We made popcorn and watched little blue people sing and dance around on screen.  A few of us stayed up way past our bedtimes, Atrain included.  It was serious fun.

Sure, there were hiccups.  Especially when Atrain became extremely overtired and lost all exposure after an intense round of freeze tag.  And, then I followed suit.  I hate nothing more.  I'm thankful for repentance.

I'm also thankful for boys who help me to think outside of the box.  They are creative, and funny, and quirky, and clever, and oh so cute.  I hope that Jdog and Atrain follow right in their footsteps.  I am so lucky to be the mother and "aunt" of a bunch of boys.

"Momma"

There were so many moment today when Jdog toddled toward me with his grand smile of recognition, repeating the word "momma," until he reached my side.  He came looking for me--so excited to cling on to my leg and then burry his face in the crook of my neck.  And, then he would arch his back, asking to be let down.  As soon as his feet were planted firmly on the floor, he was off again--ready to explore the world--but always planning to circle back to "momma."

I love Jdog.  I love watching his cheeks jiggle while he's sleeping in the car.  I love it when he plays with his eyelashes as he drinks his bottle.  I love it when he picks up Atrain's swords and wobbles toward me, swinging it to and fro with a proud grin.  I love it when he passes the nativity set and yells "Baaaaaaa!" so loud, until I retrieve a sheep for him.  I love it when he laughs while being pummeled by his brother.  I love Jdog.

And, I miss him tonight.  He stayed with my sister Katydid after the Ike fam Christmas party.  Katydid is an eager mother-to-be, and one of the most genuine, hard working people I know.  She offered to take him overnight so that I don't have to worry about who will watch him at church tomorrow while I teach the RS lesson (the husband is interviewing on the Eastern seaboard for a week and we miss him for oh so many reasons, including having him at church).

I'm suppose I should be working on my lesson, but all I can think about is how much I love Jdog, and how Atrain cried half of the way home saying, "I love my brother! I miss my brother! I don't want my brother to have a sleep over."  As we neared our home (about an hour away from Spork) he also informed me that he could hear Jdog saying, "momma" and "Aaron" way back at nana's house.  "Really?" I questioned.  "Yes," Atrain responded.  "Cochlears can hear so far away...all the way to Jdog."  "Wow," I said, smiling, and jealous that he could hear Jdog and I couldn't.

I sure love my boys.  It must be hard for the husband to be away from them for so long.  I can hardly manage one night without my baby.

Early Goodbye

The husband left early--very early...four in the morning early.  Poor husband.  Poor me.  Poor kiddos.  It is hard to feel temporarily incomplete.  But, we will manage.  Even if everything feels like just "getting by" when he is away.  The husband brings so much meaning and happiness to my life.

I have such good friends.  My best friend Ticklin came to watch my boys while I finished up my hair appointment (that started one week ago).  It takes much too long to whip my hair into shape, so we divided it into a couple of appointments.  I remember the days when Ticklin would patiently wait for me in the girls' restroom while I teased and tweaked my tresses until I looked like a tumble weed.  I'm still not sure why I thought tumble weed hair was attractive.  Perhaps in ten more years I will say the same thing about my hair now.  Whatever my hair is doing (or whatever I'm doing to it), Ticklin has always been by my side.  She is the most kind, faithful friend a girl could have.

Atrain is also a good companion.  He helped me prepare for and host a building meeting in my apartment tonight.  He pushed all of the chairs into an arch, vacuumed, arranged and snitched goodies, and put on a good show for the residents when they came over.  I love that little boy.  Three years old is a challenging age, and I expect that four will be even more so--he is so smart.  I hope I can help him hone and channel his brain power toward positive things.  Tonight one of my residents asked him what he wanted to be when he grows up.  Atrain responded with his typical "stranger danger" non-response.  But, I can't help but wonder what he was thinking.  He has the will power of a charging bull, and can be whatever he sets his heart on.  Just like his daddy.

Home too Soon

We left from AZ to drive home at 2am.  I drove.  What kept me awake?  A little caffeine and a lot of love for these funny dudes:

Even still, I wouldn't recommend driving home at 2am.  It might make one a little grumpy.  Especially one tired momma.

Manic Monday

In spite of the chaos constantly whirling between our children, Bill and I tackled the day.

We packed our kids tightly into bike trailers and strollers.  It took about an hour to escape.  The wind fought against us, but we battled back.

The boys battled each other, but we employed every diversion tactic we knew.  We succeeded when we reached the playground.  Ahhh...the playground.

She took me and Atrain to lunch while a sitter stayed with the other boys.  It was delicious.  The food was pretty good too.

We went on a drive to check out her new digs.  Beautiful.  It would be so sweet to live near Bill's family (and not just because she may soon the owner of a splash pad).

It all ended much too soon.  The husband and I crashed on the air mattress next to Atrain.  And then we left at 2am to drive home.  I didn't even get to say goodbye.  Perhaps it's better that way.

Atrain asked me if we can live at Mster's house.  His question was a bit of a surprise, seeing that their relationship was rather confrontational.  I'm so glad he forgot all of that.

It was a nice ride home.

Love Hurts

Today, we found ourselves in AZ, with beautiful Bill and her family.  Our road trip began directly after my sister's baptism and ended just before midnight.  I was ready for hell on wheels, but the kids were surprisingly splendid.  We actually enjoyed ourselves--especially at Denny's.  Their $2, $4, $6, $8 menu is awesome (for a poor family that needs a break from the road).  Atrain played with his car all along the corner bench while Jdog giggled, snarfed pancakes, and tried to eat crayons.  After the sun set, they slept the rest of the way to Bill's home.

Her home is beautiful.  She and her family is even more so.  They invited us (and the madness that comes with a couple more young boys) in with open arms.  We ate her yummy food, stole her first born's room, broke up many arguments between the boys over many toys that Atrain commandeered from cousin Mster.  Atrain actually bit him once--so hard.  He has never been a biter.  That was a bad moment for both of us.  Atrain went right to bed...with me...with tears...with (I hope) a sorrowful heart.  When I came down afterwards, so embarrassed and teary over what my son had done, Bil just hugged me and reassured me that her child had done the same thing one week ago.  It was slightly reassuring, but it still doesn't make motherhood any easier.

It would be so much easier to discipline if I wasn't so emotionally involved.  It would be so much easier if I didn't care so much about my boy and his choices.  But I am.  And I do.  So much that it hurts.  Such is the call of a mother: no pain, no gain.

Immersion

My sweet nephew "Percy" was baptized this morning.  I misread the invitation and showed up at the wrong church, and once I got my mind in order we arrived just in time to see the ripples of the water he had just exited.  It was a sad moment for me.  I kind of sobbed.  Others probably thought I was feeling especially spiritual.  But, I was just angry at myself.

That is, until Percy was confirmed, and I heard the sweet words of the blessing "receive the Holy Ghost."  My heart was calmed and my tears of guilt transformed into tears of joy.   Percy was so proud of himself.  He shook every hand of the men in the circle who participated in the blessing--and he did it with such confidence and excitement. When I got up to lead the group in a closing song, he shook my hand too.  I just love that little boy: so creative, so self-assured, so much like looking into my sister's eyes when we were little.

I cried my way through the closing song, too.  I hope I didn't look too pathetic, but I just couldn't help it.  There is something so unique and amazing about making covenants with God.  The promises offered are priceless.  At that moment I was totally immersed in the love of Father in Heaven for His children on earth.

Percy looked so young, there, sitting in between his parents.  I felt so young, standing there, leading the music, singing, "I am a Child of God."  He has sent me here.  He gave me parents so kind, and so dear.  And, He is leading me home.

The Necessary No

I forget how much I miss writing until I actually sit down to catch up.  Everyone has their thing--that thing that makes them feel like staying up until four in the morning because they enjoy doing whatever it is so much they just can't make themselves go to sleep, right?  I guess this one is mine.  There's something calming about creating thoughts on a blank page.  It's like seeing time happen, or smuggling the best and the worst moments of the day into whatever tomorrow may bring.

I had a lot of worst moments today.  Atrain knows the rules.  And when he breaks them, he knows the consequences.  But, for some reason he still decides to make bad choices. I guess it's all part of learning.

Tonight I tried to make him put on his coat before leaving the house.  He said, "no, I don't want to."  I was insistent until the husband said, "Just let him freeze, he'll learn."  I responded with, "I don't like to let him learn."  True words.  It is hard to let him learn, and to know exactly when you should and shouldn't say "no."

Like when we were at the grocery store today--I let him get a car, but then he threw a large, long fit about it not being an expensive car.  So, I put the car back, and tried to walk as calmly as possible out of the store while Atrain convulsed and pulled my hair.  I buckled him in Jdog's car seat on the way home, just so that he didn't injure himself, me, or any other drivers on the way home.  Not a happy moment.  It is hard to say no.  But is is necessary, right?

Or what about the fib he told when we got home.  He lied.  Strait to my face.  And, he knew it.  But, he wouldn't let down his act--that he had really called Aunt Bill to ask if the Mster owned a certain car already. His story was that Bill said "yes, he already has that one," so he was convinced that he could open it.  The only problem was, his story was completely false, and he wasn't willing to admit it.  It took a spell in time out and the threat of not going to the food fest party to squeeze the real story out of him.  How do I tell him "no" when he just keeps telling me "yes."

And, (most importantly), how do I keep from laughing when he says, strait-faced, "mom, that is a lie," after I inform him that I can't find his socks?

I need a good book about discipline--creative discipline...positive discipline.  Atrain doesn't do well with negative reinforcement.  Nope.  Not at all.  I try to be prepared, because he thrives on positive feedback and reinforcement.  But, I need better ways (or at least a little more courage) when it comes to the necessary negative moments.  They just stink.  So, I stay up all night pondering my predicament, and how to be a better mommy.  I guess I'll just keep trying.  Any ideas would be lovely.

Holiday Barbie

My hair is a bright, light shade of blonde.  It's usually blondish--some sort of mixture of highlights and color--the kind that can grow out for six months without being too tacky (if that's possible).  My adorable, thoughtful, amazing mother drove up here so that I could fix all of that while the husband is away on interviews.  She came bearing toys for the kiddos while I slipped out to get my hair done.  I have so much hair that it takes an insane amount of time to color--which is another reason why I like to wait.  I feel sorry for the unfortunate friend that has to do the job.

So, my sweet friend went to work.  And, by the time the foils came out, I was a crisp shade of golden blond--a lot more than usual.  She did an awesome job...it was just a bit surprising and I can't remember how long it's been since I've been so blonde. When I told the husband he said, "Alright!"  Funny hubby.  I'm glad he likes the blonder side of me.