Be of Good Cheer

Nothing is as magical as Christmas Eve:  the stories are read; the pajamas are put on; the cookies are laid out; the scriptures are rehearsed; and then the boys wrestle themselves to sleep with anticipation, knowing that the morning will bring great joy.  My heart pounds with excitement as the husband and I wrap gifts, hoping that Atrain and Jdog will love their new gifts.

And then, morning came.  Jdog's smile was pure surprise and joy as he spotted his new riding car.  He wobbled over to it with unsteady enthusiasm bouncing from his feet.  Atrain was just as excited, but it was with a sense of pride.  He went with me to pick up this gift from a KSL deal and he has been talking about it since.  He helped Jdog into it and pushed him around before opening his own gifts.  He loves his brother so much.

Atrain was equally as excited to open his very own, new "Cars 2" boat from Santa.  But, he knew it was coming.  The big surprise came from mom and dad: a new razor scooter.  He was a little reluctant at first, but within the hour he was making circles 'round the staircase. The husband and I sat there watching our boys race around the house in their new toys as a couple other stocking presents sat unopened.  And then, we simultaneously agreed that they really don't need a lot.  In fact, they could do with a lot less.  That is when we promptly took Atrain's gift from me downstairs to store it away for his birthday.  The joint "mom and dad" gift of the scooter was enough.  He didn't even notice.

As we got ready for church I thought a lot about my babies, and about how much I love them.  In all the anticipation of Christmas, and dreaming, planning and preparing for that magical night, I hope I was able to "give" them what is most important--what they really need: the love of their family; the love of God, and the comforts that swaddle and support their growth.  The baby Jesus had swaddling clothes, a loving Father in Heaven and on earth, and a mother who kept and pondered all these things in her heart.

I thought about this Christmas day, and I keep coming back to a moment with Atrain during church.  This particular sacrament meeting was so far from perfect--including a moment where I had to sing and Atrain was hauled out into the hall crying, "I want my mommy!"  Sweet and funny boy.  But, the moment that keeps carving itself into my heart was when the sacrament was passed.  Atrain snuggled on my lap while I whispered in his ear my thoughts about Jesus.  The whisper was a miracle.  The Spirit that sat with us there, was a miracle.  Atrain felt it--his calm, listening heart reflected it.  The Holy Ghost sank that feeling deep into my memory--and the hope for more sacrament feelings this to come.

I think that to be merry, or to "be of good cheer" is a commandment from Christ.  (John 16:33).  It is different than the excitement and surprise of the Christmas season.  It is the peace that is in Christ.  It is the hope for a better world, and the actions that attest of that hope.  After all, he has overcome the world.

The Day Before Christmas

T'was the day before Christmas and all through the house

Every creature was stirring, no one was a louse;

Cinnomon rolls were baked in the oven with care,

In hopes that children, ravenous soon would be there.

Family members were nestled at the table with warm breads, 

while visions of snowmobiles danced in their heads.

And dada with his orange juice and I with eggs stacked,

Had just settled down for a sweet winter snack

Then, from out of the stake center there arose such a clatter--

we sprange from our chairs to see what was the matter.

Away to the cars, we all flew like a flash,

Tore open the doors, and inside it we smashed.

The sun on the breast of no new-fallen snow,

Showed the lustre of every mid-day objects below.

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But microfiber cloths and eight bottles of window cleaner!

With a little grandpappy driver, so lively and quick,

I knew in a moment we'd be serving the lonely and sick.

More rapid than eagles his prodgeny they came, 

And we whistled and shouted, and called them by name,

"Now Bibbers! now, Beekles! now, Bubbins! and Gooney!

On, Atrain! On Jdog! On Mster! and  Gummy!

Shine the top of their windows! To the top of the wall!

Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"

And then, in a twinkling, we arrived below the roof

To clean up the paws of school girls' and boys' hoofs.

As I drew in my head, and was turning around,

From the gym, all the dodge balls came in with a bound.

We weren't dressed for a game, but soon every foot,

Was soon all tarnished with dodgeball blood, sweat and soot.

A bundle of games Grandpappy flung out of his sack,

And he looked like a proud coach as he opened his pack.

His eyes--how they twinkled! His smile, how merry!

His cheeks were like roses, hit by big bouncy balls-cherry!

A wink of his eye and the twist of his head,

Soon led us to where my sick grandmother tread.

He said not a word, but at the piano he played,

And we sang of a room where baby Jesus laid.

Music filled the room with peace, joy and love,

And the spirit of Christmas--sent to us from above.

Then we sprang to our sleighs, to our team gave a whistle,

And away we all flew like the down of a thistle.

But all heard us exclaim 'ere we drove out of sight,

"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"

You know?

"I guess I should just be better at pretending nothing is wrong," the husband says.  My jaw clenches and my nostrils flare as I wonder if he is actually serious.  He is.  I try not to scoff, and work my annoyance into the dead space between us, wanting to strangle words out of him with my silence.  But he could sit there, sullen in the silence forever.  I can't.

It's the eve of Christmas eve and we just spent the evening trying to forget about our unresolved conflict that occured on the way to a lovely extended family party.  Scratch that.  I just spent the evening trying to forget.  For the husband, it's already water under the bridge: he's already let himself float downstream.  What a gift.  But I just can't let it pass.  I feel like I'm swimming upstream, and the distance between is increasing.  I just have to get back into our flow. 

I know he's frustrated with me.  He knows I know.  I always tell him what I think I know, something like, "You seem like you're angry with me for washing my hair, and taking extra time that made us late..."  He rarely admits to what I think I know, even though my wonderboy instincts always know.

"We don't communicate through conflicts well," I say.  "I think we communicate just fine," he says.  "Yes, I guess not talking is a form of communication...a lousy one" I say, trying to pick a fight.  I'm so rude, but at this point I'm desperate to get a conversation started.  "It just doesn't do any good to tell you what I'm thinking when I'm angry," he says.  "It's better than leaving it to my imagination, right?" I say.  He considers my imagination for a moment.  And then the husband grins.  He nodds.  He knows.  

We talk.  We review.  I air out my feelings.  He shares a few of his.  And, then somehow it doesn't matter what I knew.  And even if I don't really know, he knows that whatever I think I know is inevitably worse that whatever I don't know.  And, now we know. 

Link by Link

"I wear the chain I forged in life," replied the Ghost. "I made it link by link, and yard by yard; I girded it on of my own free will, and of my own free will I wore it. Is its pattern strange to you?"


The Christmas Carol is such a good story.  Tonight I saw the play on stage for the first time in my life. It's about a man who had good reasons to be both unhappy and happy.  He chose to be unhappy.  He chose to "bah humbug" everything that could have caused him joy because he was so busy and so belligerent that he bullheadedly buried everything that could have helped him be happy. 

I'm still thinking about the conversation I had with my sister a couple of weeks ago.  We talked about mothering and about happiness.  Sometimes mother "business" can get in the way of real mothering--the real nurturing, teaching, disciplining, leading and inspiring.  And, most importantly, it can get in the way of letting my children know how happy they make me.

Link by link, day by day, we forge the life we live.  What patterns do my children know?  How happy do they see me?  Do they know how important they are?  Do they feel their great worth in God's plan.  Do they understand it is a plan of happiness?  Do I?  I do.  And I can't let anything distract me from sharing that with them--day by day, link by link.

The Secret Leaker

Atrain cannot keep a secret.  He is a fabulous at being santa's little helper: he loves to help me decorate; he is a great cook--very careful to follow instructions (though he can't keep his fingers our of the sugar bucket); he is great at putting stamps on Christmas card envelopes and climbing up on the table of the post office to slide them into the mailbox; but, this little elf cannot keep a secret.

So, when the husband took Atrain shopping today to a "special" store to buy momma's present, I suspected that I wouldn't even have to try to squeeze secret information out of him.  And I was right.  As we sat together at the dinner table tonight, Atrain waited until the husband walked away, and then said with a sly, happy smile, "we bought you funny running shoes!"

 I was instantly excited, hoping that that his "funny" clue meant what I thought it did, but I tried to pretend that I didn't understand what Atrain had said because the husband was in earshot.   Bad idea.  Atrain repeated his hint with more volume and bulging eyes, "funny running shoes!," he said.  I giggled and nodded my head, but it was too late.  The husband had overheard our conversation and whisked the little secret leaker away to his bedroom to remind him about good Christmas gift giving practices.

Home Improvement

I spent some time tonight thinking about myself, I guess.  Wasn't that nice of me?  I have the voices of Julie Beck and Brandon Flowers echoing in my mind.  Good Combination.

"A woman who has a mother heart has a testimony of her identity as a daughter of God, and should she merit eternal life--the life we all yearn for--she will have the title mother, and her heart is developed with that understanding."

"And we're caught within the crossfire, of heaven and hell, and we're searchin' for shelter."

The first one was Beck.  The second one was Flowers.  Just in case you couldn't tell.

And then I bought myself a few stocking stuffers.  I'm so excited.  "The Entitlement Trap," by the Eyres. And, "I Didn't Plan to be a Witch," by Linda Eyre...and a few other goodies.

I'd like to do some home improvement.  Or, at least, some self improvement.  I'm motivated.  I'm inspired.  Maybe I'll write about it.

Missionary Monday

My dear JD,

I am so excited to write to you this morning.  I am always excited to write you, but there is something about this morning.  There is something about this week.  I am motivated; I'm so excited to be awake; and somehow I feel like I could solve all of the problems of the universe this morning...or at least in my universe.  How?  I am up before the kids.  I had a great, quiet moment to pray, and think about the prayer, and when I read my scriptures, my mind flew wide open.  Isn't that an amazing feeling?   I love it, and I want it to last as long as it can, so I had to tell you.  I feel like when I write something down, it sticks around for a little longer than it would otherwise. 

SO, what's happening?  How are you feeling?  I have been thinking about you so much, and the boys and are sending you an awesome Christmas present today.  I hope it makes it there in time.  It should, but with all of the post office delays this time of year, who knows.  But I sure hope it gets to you.  I want you to know how much you are loved and remembered--especially this time of year.  Our Christmas Card is with it too, and I think you will like it.  We took the picture on an old rusty truck.  So awesome. ;)  I have never been away from home during Christmas, and I can't imagine how hard it is, and how much you must miss your family.  I miss you so much, and love you so much, brother.  You are an amazing boy--special, for sure.  It was special to watch you grow up and to grow up with you.  Do you remember when you were little, you used to curl up beside me, and rest your head on my tummy with your fingers in your mouth?  We would nap like that.  Isn't that sweet?  You are the most naturally sweet, thoughtful boy I know.  I hope you never forget that, or loose sight of how special you really are, JD.

My life is good.  There is so much happening right now, it's crazy just trying to anticipate the changes coming up. Yes, the residency application process is confusing, it's an algorithm that decides our residency fate, not necessarily how well fit we are for a certain position.  We put in our "rank list" and each program similarly ranks a list of applicants they interviewed, and the computer does the rest.  But, I am excited.  We have some great options.  I would LOVE to have you help us move across the country.  We will probably be doing it twice in the next two years, so there will be plenty of opportunities. ;)  Thank you for offering...see what I mean about sweet?  

I have some sweet boys in my home, too.  Jdog is such a sweet boy.  I think you will adore him.  Grandpa always comments on how "sweet" he is.  And, he is.  J is now walking...wandering around, relocating things from one drawer of the house to a completely random place (drawer, box, toilet...what have you), but he busies himself happily, always returning to my leg to dig his little face in and hug me.  I love that baby.  Atrain loves him too.  He and Jdog are a good pair.  Atrain is growing so much.  He is so smart.  The other day when I was trying to be firm and discipline him, he said, "Mom, when you are done being angry, can you please put the ladder back?"  (It was discipline concerning the bunk bed).  I'm pretty sure my "firm" face wasn't exactly firm at that moment.  But, I do my best.  The boys are excited for Christmas, and I am excited for them.  We have been reading a portion of the Christmas story most every night, and hanging it on the tree.  

This Christmas will be great for our family.  Good changes are coming.  Good growth is happening.  I feel a want to change, to become better.  The past few weeks I have been thinking about repentance in a different light.  We are commanded to repent, and often I thought of repenting as something "sad" or "hard" that I had to do.  Yes, it can be hard to repent, but I am embracing it as something common...something I can do every day to get rid of my guilt.  Guilt plagues me; it encumbers my perspective; it stunts my growth.  And, when I feel guilty for something--anything, my first reaction lately has been to repent.  Even if it's something as simple as loosing my temper with my kids.  I repent, because there is no need to carry those little weights around with me, and Christ can help me change.  What a gift: to change, to grow, to become a new person in Christ. 

When I read my scriptures this morning I was reading in Jacob 2 and 3.  I wrote these words in the margin: motherhood=confidence, example, repentance, firmness, tenderness, strictness, and faith.  Every one of those words was in what I read this morning, describing the heart of a woman God loves.  I want to have those qualities as a mother.  They are so important.  In Jacob 3:2, the scriptures reads, "O all ye that are pure in heart, lift up your heads and receive the pleasing word of God, and feast upon his love; for ye may, if you r minds are firm, forever.  What a powerful scripture. I think I have found my motto for 2012.

I love you, JD!  I look forward to hearing from you every week. Thank you for being such an awesome brother, and such an inspiration to me.  Thank you for loving me.

Love,

MJ

Pee-Yu

I made the best mistake today.  I'm still laughing about it.

In my rush to join the ward choir practice before church today, I forgot to take the diaper out to the garbage.  But, I did remember to take it out to the car with me.

The husband's car.

And, then I ran into the church building to sing.

Roughly four hours later, following an incredibly uplifting afternoon, I walked to the parking lot with the husband and the kids in tow.

The husband and I swapped keys.

He walked to his little red focus, and I juggled my way to my four door rav.  "Don't worry shmubbs," I thought to myself, "I will load the kids in by myself...aren't you glad you married a tough gal."

And, that was that.

Until, that is, my cell phone rang.

"Hello?" I said.  "Hi!" said the husband.  "How do you feel about your lesson?" I asked as I followed him home.  "It was fine," he said, "Do you know what you left in my car?"

(Pause to think)

(Outburst of uncontrollable laughter)

(still laughing)

"Sorry!"

(still unable to control myself)

"It's ok," says the husband.

(more laughter)

"I bet that stinks!"

Christmas Letter 2011

"Ain't no need to watch where I'm goin'; I only need to know where I been."

-Tow Mater (Cars)

Dear Family and Friends,

Merry Christmas and happy New Year!  We hope 2011 has been a good one for you.  We think of you often, and are grateful for your good influence in our lives.  The husband and I always talk about the great people we know, and how lucky we are to have been up and down life’s roads with you.  This year has been an especially exciting ride—and though we have no idea where (exactly) we are going, our hearts are full of hope, happiness, and gratitude because of the good places our family has been this year.

The husband and I are busy surveying the map for potential places to call home during his residency.  You see, 2011 marked his final full year of medical school. (!!!!!!)  He should win a Piston cup for all the miles he has traveled this year.  He traversed the trails to, from and in Texas for two months, doing medical research at MD Anderson Cancer Center in Houston.  The boys and I flew to the lone star state to be with him for two of the eight weeks he was there.  I will never forget how good it was to see him at the Hobby airport.  Jdog (who coordinated his first crawls forward in our temporary Texas apartment) kicked and smiled with delight when he saw his dada.   Atrain ran to him with open arms.  He and the husband swam in the complex pool almost every night—swim caps, cochlears and goggles on.  The husband’s work in medical school over the past three years set him up to receive multiple interview invitations for Radiation Oncology residency programs.  By February of next year, he will have traveled from sea to shining sea and most everywhere in between.  We are excited to explore new avenues ahead.

This year I traveled from toilet trainer, to aspiring writer, to breastfeeding mother, to resident adviser, to car seat carrier, to toddler toter, to half marathon runner, to adoring partner, to anxious, stressed and overwhelmed “I don’t know how I am going to make this work” med student wife and mother of two(-er)…and back again.  It has been a bumpy road, but I’m amazed by how small the scrapes, bruises and scars seem now—quite literally.  But, I will always have the small stitch of a scar below my right eye to remind me of the battle wounds I sustained the year when I transitioned to mothering two children.  If you want the full story, visit my writing blog, thethoughtpuddle.blogspot.com, a project I began the day I went to the ER to get my face glued back together.  I love being a mother, and I love that scar.  Other incredible roads I rolled over in 2011 include: glorying in the grotesque “dirty dash” mud run with Famous, vacationing on Block Island with the husband and his family, wrestling my sisters in the kiddy pools at my family’s summer party,
and feeling my heart grow as I watch my boys learn to be brothers.

Atrain has been on a few amazing rides this year.  He learned all about what it means to be big: to wear big boy undies, to earn big boy rewards, to endure big boy expectations, and to be a big brother.  He loves to stand on furniture, flex his muscles and exclaim, “look at how big and tall and strong I am!”  Of course he is all of that, but the biggest thing about this boy is his heart.  He loves and protects all that is near and dear to him.  He is a big inspiration to us—going down the roads less traveled with his cochlear implants, and doing it ahead of his age group’s speech and language milestones.  We love him and are so proud of him. The biggest moment of his year was going on the Splash Mountain ride at Disneyland, and slaying the firework show as his larger-than-life alter ego, “Darth Atrain.”

Jdog (aka J, or Jar Jar or diga diga) has been a happy little traveler.  He brings his content, calming presence with him on every ride—and he is hilarious. He loves being (playfully) squashed by his big bro, mimicking every crude body noise he hears, tickling his own eyelashes before going to sleep, playing “car cars,” toddling down the hall and squealing with Aaron, and snuggling with dada. His personality is the perfect addition to our family. We couldn’t love him more.

Even though our family’s physical destination may be a little uncertain, we’re grateful for all the good places we have been. We are thankful for your influence on our journey, and for the constant guidance of our Father in Heaven. We wish you the best with all the roads you traverse in the upcoming year.

With love, the husband, MJ, Atrain and Jdog Family

Time to Check

It's always wonderful to have a good excuse to spend extra time in the bathroom.  On a normal, shower day, my prep time takes about twenty mintues: five to shower, five to do my make up, five to fix my hair and five to get dressed.  (It's also--conveniently--the same ammount of time it takes for an episode of "Super Why" to run it's course).  On a non shower day, I'm ready to jet out the door in five mintues flat.

Tonight I stole an extra twenty minutes to prep for the husband's pre interview dinner with the Radiation Oncology department here in Utah.  When the babysitters arrived (thank you Bonanza and Leaf) and I finally emerged from the bathroom, it was so fun to see the look on the husband's face.  He raised his eyebrows, pulled a cheezy grin, and then checked out my booty.  I love that look on his face.

Enjoying J

I have the biggest crush on Jdog lately.  His new found mobility has multiplied his adorability.

He cruises up and down our hall, all day long saying "momma, momma, momma" with a grin sweeter than sugar stuck to his face. He totes favorite objects in his chubby little hands: books, cars, and other toys that are much too large for him to carry.  And then, he scouts out secret hiding spots to bury his beautiful treasures: cars in my underwear drawer, spatulas in the diaper box, bottle nipples in the bath tub.  I love watching him wander and discover.

But, it is his constant return to me that makes me weak in the knees. He always comes back from his expiditions, chanting "momma, momma," and then wraps his arm around my leg. smashing his face into my thigh.  This, I just can't resist.  It's just too much for any momma.  I bend over, scoop up his round belly and squeeze him in my arms.  I never want to let go.

If only I could freeze these little moments and save them for later: to sweeten up a day that ends a little sour.  A little bit of J will brighten any day.

Mole Mapping

It was an awkward day.  There's just no easy way to carry on a conversation with a complete stranger when you're naked, and they have a camera in their hands.

But, it's good to know if my skin is plotting against me.  It's good to chart unwanted changes in my moles that morph with malignant qualities.  Yes, I guess, sometimes it's good to be photographed in the nude.  

So, I put up with the pointless, "where are you from," and "what did you do in college," questions that dried up in the air like stale white bread while I tried to focus on how-exactly-I should speak as the lens focused on the entirety of my epidermis.  Yes, I did it--for my family, and for my future with them--I had my moles "mapped."  Bravo.

Theodora

I added (well, was given) a new member to our family.  Her name is Theodora and she was born on December 9, 2011.  She made my day today.  Actually, the secret Santa on my work staff who gave her to me made my day.  Sometimes a midst all of the hustle and bustle and trimmings and trappings I get trapped--I forget the sweet little things that make Christmas so exciting, and so sweet: like Theodora, my very own build-a-bear.

Sweet Sisters

I was awake in the late hours of the night, talking with Bambie on the phone.  I can't remember when I last stayed up late laughing, crying and theorizing with my sister via land line.

It brought us back to the days when she used to wake up me up in the middle of the night and beg me to accompany her to the bathroom because she was scared of the dark.  It would annoy the heck out of me.

I don't like being drug from dreamland--but she would sound so pathetic, I couldn't ignore her plea for help (nor could I ignore how good it made me feel that she wanted my company and thought I would offer her any sort of protection from the boogie monster).

Once her business was done, we would crash in the same bed for the rest of the night.  It is good to grow old with a sisters.  I'm so lucky to have three.

Slumber Party

I love boys.  Especially these ones.  So does Atrain.  And, we had the best sleep over last night.  We read books.  We ate pizza.  We giggled.  We cleaned. We made popcorn and watched little blue people sing and dance around on screen.  A few of us stayed up way past our bedtimes, Atrain included.  It was serious fun.

Sure, there were hiccups.  Especially when Atrain became extremely overtired and lost all exposure after an intense round of freeze tag.  And, then I followed suit.  I hate nothing more.  I'm thankful for repentance.

I'm also thankful for boys who help me to think outside of the box.  They are creative, and funny, and quirky, and clever, and oh so cute.  I hope that Jdog and Atrain follow right in their footsteps.  I am so lucky to be the mother and "aunt" of a bunch of boys.

"Momma"

There were so many moment today when Jdog toddled toward me with his grand smile of recognition, repeating the word "momma," until he reached my side.  He came looking for me--so excited to cling on to my leg and then burry his face in the crook of my neck.  And, then he would arch his back, asking to be let down.  As soon as his feet were planted firmly on the floor, he was off again--ready to explore the world--but always planning to circle back to "momma."

I love Jdog.  I love watching his cheeks jiggle while he's sleeping in the car.  I love it when he plays with his eyelashes as he drinks his bottle.  I love it when he picks up Atrain's swords and wobbles toward me, swinging it to and fro with a proud grin.  I love it when he passes the nativity set and yells "Baaaaaaa!" so loud, until I retrieve a sheep for him.  I love it when he laughs while being pummeled by his brother.  I love Jdog.

And, I miss him tonight.  He stayed with my sister Katydid after the Ike fam Christmas party.  Katydid is an eager mother-to-be, and one of the most genuine, hard working people I know.  She offered to take him overnight so that I don't have to worry about who will watch him at church tomorrow while I teach the RS lesson (the husband is interviewing on the Eastern seaboard for a week and we miss him for oh so many reasons, including having him at church).

I'm suppose I should be working on my lesson, but all I can think about is how much I love Jdog, and how Atrain cried half of the way home saying, "I love my brother! I miss my brother! I don't want my brother to have a sleep over."  As we neared our home (about an hour away from Spork) he also informed me that he could hear Jdog saying, "momma" and "Aaron" way back at nana's house.  "Really?" I questioned.  "Yes," Atrain responded.  "Cochlears can hear so far away...all the way to Jdog."  "Wow," I said, smiling, and jealous that he could hear Jdog and I couldn't.

I sure love my boys.  It must be hard for the husband to be away from them for so long.  I can hardly manage one night without my baby.

Early Goodbye

The husband left early--very early...four in the morning early.  Poor husband.  Poor me.  Poor kiddos.  It is hard to feel temporarily incomplete.  But, we will manage.  Even if everything feels like just "getting by" when he is away.  The husband brings so much meaning and happiness to my life.

I have such good friends.  My best friend Ticklin came to watch my boys while I finished up my hair appointment (that started one week ago).  It takes much too long to whip my hair into shape, so we divided it into a couple of appointments.  I remember the days when Ticklin would patiently wait for me in the girls' restroom while I teased and tweaked my tresses until I looked like a tumble weed.  I'm still not sure why I thought tumble weed hair was attractive.  Perhaps in ten more years I will say the same thing about my hair now.  Whatever my hair is doing (or whatever I'm doing to it), Ticklin has always been by my side.  She is the most kind, faithful friend a girl could have.

Atrain is also a good companion.  He helped me prepare for and host a building meeting in my apartment tonight.  He pushed all of the chairs into an arch, vacuumed, arranged and snitched goodies, and put on a good show for the residents when they came over.  I love that little boy.  Three years old is a challenging age, and I expect that four will be even more so--he is so smart.  I hope I can help him hone and channel his brain power toward positive things.  Tonight one of my residents asked him what he wanted to be when he grows up.  Atrain responded with his typical "stranger danger" non-response.  But, I can't help but wonder what he was thinking.  He has the will power of a charging bull, and can be whatever he sets his heart on.  Just like his daddy.

Home too Soon

We left from AZ to drive home at 2am.  I drove.  What kept me awake?  A little caffeine and a lot of love for these funny dudes:

Even still, I wouldn't recommend driving home at 2am.  It might make one a little grumpy.  Especially one tired momma.

Manic Monday

In spite of the chaos constantly whirling between our children, Bill and I tackled the day.

We packed our kids tightly into bike trailers and strollers.  It took about an hour to escape.  The wind fought against us, but we battled back.

The boys battled each other, but we employed every diversion tactic we knew.  We succeeded when we reached the playground.  Ahhh...the playground.

She took me and Atrain to lunch while a sitter stayed with the other boys.  It was delicious.  The food was pretty good too.

We went on a drive to check out her new digs.  Beautiful.  It would be so sweet to live near Bill's family (and not just because she may soon the owner of a splash pad).

It all ended much too soon.  The husband and I crashed on the air mattress next to Atrain.  And then we left at 2am to drive home.  I didn't even get to say goodbye.  Perhaps it's better that way.

Atrain asked me if we can live at Mster's house.  His question was a bit of a surprise, seeing that their relationship was rather confrontational.  I'm so glad he forgot all of that.

It was a nice ride home.

Love Hurts

Today, we found ourselves in AZ, with beautiful Bill and her family.  Our road trip began directly after my sister's baptism and ended just before midnight.  I was ready for hell on wheels, but the kids were surprisingly splendid.  We actually enjoyed ourselves--especially at Denny's.  Their $2, $4, $6, $8 menu is awesome (for a poor family that needs a break from the road).  Atrain played with his car all along the corner bench while Jdog giggled, snarfed pancakes, and tried to eat crayons.  After the sun set, they slept the rest of the way to Bill's home.

Her home is beautiful.  She and her family is even more so.  They invited us (and the madness that comes with a couple more young boys) in with open arms.  We ate her yummy food, stole her first born's room, broke up many arguments between the boys over many toys that Atrain commandeered from cousin Mster.  Atrain actually bit him once--so hard.  He has never been a biter.  That was a bad moment for both of us.  Atrain went right to bed...with me...with tears...with (I hope) a sorrowful heart.  When I came down afterwards, so embarrassed and teary over what my son had done, Bil just hugged me and reassured me that her child had done the same thing one week ago.  It was slightly reassuring, but it still doesn't make motherhood any easier.

It would be so much easier to discipline if I wasn't so emotionally involved.  It would be so much easier if I didn't care so much about my boy and his choices.  But I am.  And I do.  So much that it hurts.  Such is the call of a mother: no pain, no gain.

Immersion

My sweet nephew "Percy" was baptized this morning.  I misread the invitation and showed up at the wrong church, and once I got my mind in order we arrived just in time to see the ripples of the water he had just exited.  It was a sad moment for me.  I kind of sobbed.  Others probably thought I was feeling especially spiritual.  But, I was just angry at myself.

That is, until Percy was confirmed, and I heard the sweet words of the blessing "receive the Holy Ghost."  My heart was calmed and my tears of guilt transformed into tears of joy.   Percy was so proud of himself.  He shook every hand of the men in the circle who participated in the blessing--and he did it with such confidence and excitement. When I got up to lead the group in a closing song, he shook my hand too.  I just love that little boy: so creative, so self-assured, so much like looking into my sister's eyes when we were little.

I cried my way through the closing song, too.  I hope I didn't look too pathetic, but I just couldn't help it.  There is something so unique and amazing about making covenants with God.  The promises offered are priceless.  At that moment I was totally immersed in the love of Father in Heaven for His children on earth.

Percy looked so young, there, sitting in between his parents.  I felt so young, standing there, leading the music, singing, "I am a Child of God."  He has sent me here.  He gave me parents so kind, and so dear.  And, He is leading me home.

The Necessary No

I forget how much I miss writing until I actually sit down to catch up.  Everyone has their thing--that thing that makes them feel like staying up until four in the morning because they enjoy doing whatever it is so much they just can't make themselves go to sleep, right?  I guess this one is mine.  There's something calming about creating thoughts on a blank page.  It's like seeing time happen, or smuggling the best and the worst moments of the day into whatever tomorrow may bring.

I had a lot of worst moments today.  Atrain knows the rules.  And when he breaks them, he knows the consequences.  But, for some reason he still decides to make bad choices. I guess it's all part of learning.

Tonight I tried to make him put on his coat before leaving the house.  He said, "no, I don't want to."  I was insistent until the husband said, "Just let him freeze, he'll learn."  I responded with, "I don't like to let him learn."  True words.  It is hard to let him learn, and to know exactly when you should and shouldn't say "no."

Like when we were at the grocery store today--I let him get a car, but then he threw a large, long fit about it not being an expensive car.  So, I put the car back, and tried to walk as calmly as possible out of the store while Atrain convulsed and pulled my hair.  I buckled him in Jdog's car seat on the way home, just so that he didn't injure himself, me, or any other drivers on the way home.  Not a happy moment.  It is hard to say no.  But is is necessary, right?

Or what about the fib he told when we got home.  He lied.  Strait to my face.  And, he knew it.  But, he wouldn't let down his act--that he had really called Aunt Bill to ask if the Mster owned a certain car already. His story was that Bill said "yes, he already has that one," so he was convinced that he could open it.  The only problem was, his story was completely false, and he wasn't willing to admit it.  It took a spell in time out and the threat of not going to the food fest party to squeeze the real story out of him.  How do I tell him "no" when he just keeps telling me "yes."

And, (most importantly), how do I keep from laughing when he says, strait-faced, "mom, that is a lie," after I inform him that I can't find his socks?

I need a good book about discipline--creative discipline...positive discipline.  Atrain doesn't do well with negative reinforcement.  Nope.  Not at all.  I try to be prepared, because he thrives on positive feedback and reinforcement.  But, I need better ways (or at least a little more courage) when it comes to the necessary negative moments.  They just stink.  So, I stay up all night pondering my predicament, and how to be a better mommy.  I guess I'll just keep trying.  Any ideas would be lovely.

Holiday Barbie

My hair is a bright, light shade of blonde.  It's usually blondish--some sort of mixture of highlights and color--the kind that can grow out for six months without being too tacky (if that's possible).  My adorable, thoughtful, amazing mother drove up here so that I could fix all of that while the husband is away on interviews.  She came bearing toys for the kiddos while I slipped out to get my hair done.  I have so much hair that it takes an insane amount of time to color--which is another reason why I like to wait.  I feel sorry for the unfortunate friend that has to do the job.

So, my sweet friend went to work.  And, by the time the foils came out, I was a crisp shade of golden blond--a lot more than usual.  She did an awesome job...it was just a bit surprising and I can't remember how long it's been since I've been so blonde. When I told the husband he said, "Alright!"  Funny hubby.  I'm glad he likes the blonder side of me.

December Eve

Our Christmas decor has been assembled--sort of.  The tree us up, the stalkings are out, and the husband's set of antlers took their rightful atop the entertainment center...adorned with a few pine trimmings, of course.  It feels festive.  But we still need to dig out my beloved nativity sets.  I do love this time of year.  And, there is something about knowing that it will be our last Christmas in this apartment--it's motivating me to put up a few more lights and dress up a few more holiday corners.  This apartment has been good to us.

Jdog's eyes beamed brighter than the moon when we woke up to them.  I love getting the chance to relive the excitement of the season through my children.  Atrain loves to take part in all of the decorating.  In fact, telling him he could trim the tree was the only thing that would distract him from mourning over the husband leaving for another interview.  He sure loves his daddy.

I hope I can make this season special for my boys.  I hope I can help them understand the real meaning of Christmas.  We have been reading the "symbols" booklet my sister Katydid put together for us last year.  Atrain was so proud to tell the stories behind the Christmas objects during family home evening.  There aren't many stellar family home evenings in our home, but I find that the most spiritual ones happen when Atrain is teaching.  I love hearing his thoughts. Even if he was still asking "what is a symbol" by the time we were finished.

Tomorrow is December 1st.  I'm looking forward to the elf visiting our home.  I can't wait to wrap a "new" Christmas book every night.  It will be good to finally use our awesome Christmas story advent calendar I bought at the DI years ago.  Best of all, it will be good to be together, and make a lot of new memories with our little and big family.  I have such good people in my life.  I'm grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ that brings us together, helps us love each other more, and motivates us to work for the good.  It will be a good month.

Tell Me

Today we were sitting in the car when I heard this conversation between Atrain and Jdog:

Jdog: "Digadiga digasts dada"

Atrain: "Diga diga, hahaha, Jdog you're so funny."

Jdog: "Diga (giggle) ga ga!"

Atrain: "Ga ga! What is ga ga?!"

Jdog:  "Gaga gaga"

Atrain: "Ga ga!!! Jdog, what is gaga??? Tell me! Please, what is gaga?"

Jdog: (giggle), "diga diga ga ga."

I laughed out loud and responded, "yes, gaga. gagagagaga Jdog. Tell us, what is gaga?"

Missionary Monday

Hello sweet brother,

I hope that you are doing well.  I'm sitting in my home, just thinking about you, so grateful that you have a companion that you can get along with.  The husband said that (in a non emotional way, of course) his best companions taught him a lot about what he wanted in a married relationship.  Does that make sense?  It may sound weird, but it is a great way to learn about relationships--how to respond to conflicts, what personality traits you mesh well with, what about that person challenges you to become better, etc.  I always knew the husband was the one because he always made me want to be a better person, who balanced me out.  And, I love him more than life.

We sure missed you during the Thanksgiving weekend.  But, I am so grateful for a brother who has sacrificed to serve God.  What a great example you are.  We all talked about you.  It was a sweet day.  Dad did all of the heavy cooking, and the turkey was delicious (as are all his meats), but we joked about how his companion from New Zealand asked him "Are you going to kill me on Mac N Cheese again," when they were called to be together for the second time.  I sure love our parents.  We are so lucky.  So blessed.

The husband and I have had an extremely busy month.  He has been interviewing all over the country for radiation oncology residency positions.  We are very fortunate to have a lot of interviews.  He has worked hard, and we have been blessed.  We could be living anywhere from North Carolina, Utah, Alabama, Texas, Minnesota, California, Oklahoma, Ohio, Washington state, New York, etc.  The list goes on and on.  But, I am most excited about our North Carolina, MN and Utah options.  He and I went to his interview in Santa Barbra together.  That's where we honeymooned.  That program is a transitional year, and we would only be there for a year, but how fun would that be?  So fun...if we can avoid going broke in the process, of course.  In March is the "match day" where we open up the envelope that tells us where we will spend the next five years.  It's kind of like a mission call, I guess, except it's not for the church and the prophet doesn't pair us up with our destination.  A computer does.  But, I know the Lord's hand is in all things, and we are praying that it will be the right place for our family...wherever it is!

Anyway, my dear, I sure hope you're doing well.  I am so proud of you and grateful for you.  What can I do for you?  How can I help you?  Missionary work is exciting, and so fun.  I hope you are enjoying this amazing stage in your life.  I sure love you!

Love, 

MJ

Contageous

This morning I greeted piles of suitcases that exploded all over my floor.  I dropped them there last night after making multiple trips to and from the parking lot to unload.  I felt so exhausted by the time I finished that I cried as I heaved the last set of heavy bags down my hall.

It wasn't because the stupid bags were heavy.  I'm relatively tough.  But, sometimes I don't want to be.  Like when the husband has a week at home, but wakes up shaking and sweating with strep throat.  My mood seems to have caught a bad virus, too.

And, Jdog is suffering from some sort of body rash that makes his cheeks feel like sand paper.  Also, today was Atrain's first day quarantined with the hand, foot, mouth virus.  In spite of it all, it was a relatively restful sick day. The loads of laundry even felt a bit easier to carry with Atrain's helpful folding company.

Jdog spent the day practicing his 180 turn arounds, and he is getting really good.  That little boy does the funniest things.  Today he went fishing in the toilet for the plastic utinsile he had been carrying.  Too bad someone forgot to flush.  Thank heavens he was only fishing for a knife.  I immediately knew something was wrong when I heard the husband burst into laughter halfway down the hall.  Guess who also got to go fishing in the toilet?  Silly J.  At least he only had to have two baths today.

I missed being at church today.  I missed taking the sacrament.  I missed that dedicated time to draw nearer to God.  I will have to try extra hard this week.  I know I will need a lot of extra help.

Black Friday

Hit the stores alone at 10:00pm.
Laughed as I parked blocks away from WalMart.
Cried as I stood in line for fourty five minutes to purchase my $4.00 pajamas for the boys.
But the hullaballoo would not be for naught.  I had to make something of the madness.  Plus some guy gave me a five hour energy shot for free.  I had never had one before...and since my mother in law said she consumed one once, I figured it was ok.  And, what better occasion?  I only had a swig, and I was feeling lucky.
Shopko opened at 12:00.
I didn't even know why I was there.  But I had a good feeling...like something extraordinary would happen.
And it did.  A Razor sparks scooter for $20.00, normally $60.00.
I snagged the last two, even though I only needed one.
Then I saw a guy talking on the phone to his wife, looking for a scooter.  I gave my other one to him.  Funny how I felt like I was being charitable.
I snatched up a few other unnecessary deals as I darted to the line.  My WalMart test run taught me well.
I ditched the undesirable deals on the way to check out.  I didn't even feel guilty.  I knew someone else would snag them.
I considered driving an extra 40 minutes to hit Toys R Us.
But then my want for a warm bed and the husband to snuggle with kicked in.
And I headed home, glorying in my finds, thrilled that my Christmas shopping was nearly over, and excited to join the foray again next year.
I heart you black friday.

Thankful

Happy Thanksgiving Day, everyone. Today was so full of goodness: good food, good company, good kisses, good feelings, etc. I have a good life. God is good. And though I am and life is far from perfect, I have so much to be thankful for.

• For the husband: his steadiness, his happy outlook, his unbending belief in me, his awesome dance moves, and that I still know how much he is madly in love with me.  Thank you for being the best thing in my life.  I love you.
• For Atrain: his sweet heart, his determined spirit, and his unconditional love.
• For Jdog: his inner comedian, his curious nature, and the cuddly way he gives me love.
• For my parents: that I always have known how much they love one another, never once questioned how much they love me, and continue to learn from how much you love the Lord.
• For the parents I got when I married the husband: their constant example of charity, wisdom and undeviating faith.
• For my sisters--outlaws and in laws: they laugh with me, they cry with me, they are my best friends, they are my inspiration.
• For my brothers--outlaws and in: they challenge me, they make me laugh (at myself a lot) and they laugh with me, they motivate me.
• For my cousins: your ideas blow my mind, your stories help my heart open wide, and our memories remind me how good and simple life really is.
• For my aunts and uncles: you still give me encouragement, love and approval.  Thank you for showing me every year what is most important in life.
• For my friends: never has a girl grown up with better companions, more loyal support, more accepting friends.  You always (even still) listen without judgement.  Thank you.
• For my coworkers: you inspire me, help me to think, and accept me.  I am so grateful to know you and benefit from your friendship.

It is hard to understand why I have been given so much.  But, I thank God for my life: for the plan of happiness that brings me lasting joy, for forgiveness, for motivating me without guilt or shame, but with love, to keep trying to keep learning and to keep returning.

The Birthday Boy

November 23rd is the day the love of my life was born.  I have loved him ever since I was a girl, and I know him and love him now than I ever knew was possible.  I am so glad he was born.  I will always remember our trip home from California, past his birth place on your 28th birthday.  Happy Birthday, my love.

Dreaming in Transition

Santa Barbra: running on the beach; playing with the boys in the sand; soaking in the scent of fresh flowers while strolling down state street; frequent visits to Disneyland; goin broke, but living on love.  Ahhhhh.  I could live here for a year.

One

I have a one year old boy.  

He is sweet--loves to snuggle his head right into the crook of your neck.  

He is hilarious--enjoys mimicking the absolute grossest sounds that emerge from bodies in our household.  

He is accommodating--will put up with the most annoying loving brother behavior (I am frequently amazed that he is laughing while being smothered by something or someone).  

He is pensive--studies things before he decides how to react, and randomly repeats sounds (rarely on demand). 

He is peaceful--happily toddling along, often with objects in his hands, coming to show me his greatest discoveries of the day. 

He is curious--frequently exploring the new boundaries of his talents and territories (including the toilet).

He loves to ride his new rocking pony: hopped right on and got rocking right away.

He loves to dance: always grinning ear to ear when music appears, bopping happily to the beat.

He loves textures: He dives into soft blankets and stuffed animals--head first, smothering himself in the fabric.  And I have never enjoyed watching a baby get dirty as much as I enjoyed watching Jdog dig into his birthday cake tonight.  I could have sat there squishing the chocolate frosting between his chubby fingers all night long.  

He hates to ride in the car for extended periods of time.

He loathes rice cereal, and loves spinach smoothies.

He loves straws--always requesting "wawa," which at first I thought it meant water...but it turns out that as long as a drink has a straw in it, it's "wawa," and it's good.

He has magical words that sound like whatever he wants them to, "diga diga" is a word we will use in our family forever, I'm sure.

He feels special when he puts on a hat--and he leaves it on.  Grandpatty found him a sweet cowboy hat to go with his pony, and he rides happily with the hat balancing on his elfish ears. He is a hoot.

He lulls himself to sleep by playing with his eyelashes--he is even funny when he isn't trying.

He is the perfect child for our family.  I am so thankful that God sent me this beautiful, blue-eyed boy.  His personality couldn't be more perfect.  His cheeks couldn't be any more kissable.  I couldn't love a one year old more.  Happy birthday, my sweet little Jdog.

Discovery

I'm just sitting at the airport, waiting to pick up the husband from his MN-WI interviews. It is good to have interviews...hard to have an empty pillow beside me. I can't wait to see him. I even kept my makeup on and wore a cute outfit--not that he'd really notice. He likes me just as well without.

The boys will be especially excited to wake up to him at home. Jdog has a whole new bag full of tricks. Today he said circle, and I'm pretty sure his 'baba' was meant to communicate that he was ready for a bottle and nap. He is one funny pup. i adore his new found toddling courage. There were many moments today when Atrain and I gasped as J wobbled our way on two feet. The husband will be so impressed.

So, how do we get along without him? We simplify as much as possible, shop as much as the budget permits, and adventure--always adventure.  Today we explored the depths of the children's museum for the first time in Jdog's life. It was phenomenal.  I adore Jdog's "thinking" expression--so serious, so intent on understanding just where the balls go after he puts them in the vacuum holes.  I have a feeling we will be frequent visitors this winter.

Toddling Along

It was a busy day.  At one point Atrain was running around, squawking miscellaneous tunes in his "super hero squad" briefs through the chapel while I practiced a musical number for Sunday.  "Come Thou Fount" is my favorite song.  But, it is hard to really feel the spirit of the song while you're wondering if fire and brimstone await you in the hereafter for allowing your child to be such a heathen.  At least the accident that caused him to run wild in his undies was water (not urine) based.  I really do want to go to Heaven.

Jdog is a heavenly baby.  But I can hardly call him a baby any more.  He's walking.  Tonight--during the RS activity and the musical practice, he was doing a lot of practicing of his own.  The wide-open halls of the church provide ample room for a budding walker to experiment.  Jdog took advantage of it--venturing away from chairs freely with the biggest, proudest smile spread across his face.  He toddled his way up to 29 steps.

There is nothing more fulfilling than watching a child--my child--take risks, stumble a few times, but deem the effort a success, nonetheless.  I could watch Jdog learning to walk all day long.  He doesn't get frustrated with himself.  When he gets a little wobbly he steadies his stance or plops down on his behind, then looks up, grins, and charges toward the nearest pull-to-stand object in the vicinity. I should be more like him: peacefully, happily toddling along.

Sunrise, Sunset

The best morning of the week--by far: late little sleepers, snuggling with the husband, wishing that the blanket of snow outside could keep us frozen like this forever.  But, it slowly melted into sweet chimes of "mommma" coming from J's small sleeping quarters, and then a loud, "MOM, the sun is up!" from the foot of my bed.

And the day ended with another one of J's hilarious antics.  We were carrying two sleepy boys in from the car when the husband burped.  Seconds later, right on cue, Jdog piped up with a throaty "AAhhhh" of his own.  He was just imitating his dadda, as he always does, but it was extra unexpected--given that we thought little shrek were sleeping--and thus extremely entertaining.

Rindercella

Once upon a play my little sister kissed prince charming...

...and she lived happily ever after.

Well done, my beauty.  Well done.

The Pearl

Today was that pearl of a Sunday: pure, remarkable and treasured.  I do love going to church: I love getting the boys ready, getting dressed up, singing the hymns, taking the Sacrament, feeling the Spirit listening to the speakers, etc.  Yes, I love going.  But, sometimes it's hard being at church--trying so hard to have a good, uplifting, Godly experience with my family to only--occasionally-- to fall flat on my face.  One only needs to glimpse at last week's experience for evidence.  Good thing many (perhaps, at times, most) spiritual lessons happen in the home.

But then there are days at church like today: when Atrain sits happily on one end of the bench, playing with his star wars figure without venturing into the aisle; when Jdog crawls contentedly around on the floor beneath me, reading books while he begs for gold fish and pretzels; and when I actually become so engrossed in the speakers that I don't even realize it's time to sing the closing hymn.  It was a good day.  I felt refreshed.  I felt prepared.  I treasured it, knowing that church with young kids doesn't always pan out like that.

Whether my kids are screaming in the foyer or sitting reverently in the bench, it doesn't really matter.  That's not why I go.  I go because I'm trying, I'm seeking goodly pearls.  Christ spoke of a merchant man who sought after goodly pearls, and when he found one he sold all that he had and bought it.  No matter how little I feel like I have to sell for that pearl--little patience, little time, little talent, little knowledge, etc., I will keep seeking.

Homecoming

Happy 11.11.11. I thought something remarkable would happen today.  And, I guess, to some degree, it did.  Today was the first of many of the husband's homecomings to come.  It is exciting--sending him all over the country to scout out places for our family to live for the next five years.  If it weren't so darn expensive to buy a couple more plane tickets, the boys and I would all tag along with him.  Every time Atrain sees a plane up in the sky, or the "track" of a plane his eyes get as big as saucers and he says, "OH! I see dada's plane!"  It must all be a little strange for him to digest.  So far, we could live in any one of these places:

Duke (Durham, NC)
U of Alabama (Burmingham, Al)
U Penn (Philly, PA)
Mayo  (Rochester, MN)
U of Minnesota (Minneapolis, MN)
Cleveland Clinic (Cleveland, OH)
U of Cincinnati (Cincinnati, OH)
UT Galveston (Galveston, TX)
SUNY Buffalo (Buffalo, NY)
U of Rochester (Rochester, NY)
U of Utah (SLC, UT) 


Not a bad set of choices--in no particular order.  I would love to live in a community with good schools, good medical insurance, and where the boys, the bob and I feel safe exploring the neighborhood.   We'll see where that leads us.  But, for now, I'm so happy the husband is being led back home.  I'm so glad.  I sure love that man.  And, it's a heck of a lot easier to sleep when he's by my side.

Not OK

Atrain and I had to have a conversation about why it's never OK to pee your pants.  Our discussion was compelled by his seemingly unconcerned approach to his accident at Toys R' Us today.  Of course, he had ulterior motives--a showing of Cars 2 was on the line.  It was an accident that happened literally minutes after I asked him (for at least the fifth time) if I could show him where the bathroom was.  "No, I'm fine mom," he always said.  I should have trusted my instincts. That little boy would rather hold it in all day than interrupt a compelling trip through the toy store.  Then, finally, right after I finished at the check out line I asked him to accompany me to the bathroom to change baby J (and get him to empty his bladder).  But it was too late.  This is how our conversation went:

Me: "Atrain, come with me to the bathroom really quickly so I can change Jdog."

Atrain: (with a pathetic look on his face) "No, I don't need to go potty."

"Did you?  NO--no way you peed?  Holy cow, buddy.  What happened?"

"I just peed my pants...it's OK mom."

"NO, it's not OK.  It's never OK to just pee your pants.  I just asked you if you needed to go.  Why????.... Follow me, quickly."

"It's just OK.  We can still go to the Cars 2 movie.  IT's ok mom, we can still go,"

"We won't go if you are wet with pee, Atrain."

"But we can just go get the pants you bought at the other store, mom. It's OK!"

"It's not OK to choose to do this, Atrain, even if you have pants in the car to use.  We can't see the movie unless you talk to me about why it's not OK to choose to pee your pants."

(utter melt down consisting of multiple blubblering "we can still go, it's ok" phrases)

Me: "Just tell me why you made this choice."

Atrain: "I was checking out a lot of toys and I didn't want to go, and then I was following you, and then I really had to go and I didn't know where to run fast to the potty."

"So, what will you do next time you don't know where the potty is at and you need to go?"

(with a little shrug) "Just pee in my pants."

"It's not a good choice to pee in your pants, buddy.  How about use your words instead, what words would help you?"

"Mommy!  I need to run fast to the potty!"

"Those are great words, Atrain.  Please use those words instead of peeing your pants."

"OK, mom, can we go to the Cars 2 movie?"

"Is it ok to pee your pants?"

"No, it's not ok."

"Alright, let's go to the movie."

"Wait mom....please...can we change my pants, mom?"

"Of course."

And, I just remembered that his pair of peed-in pants are still sitting in a bag in my car.  Shoot.  I guess I have to make one more trip to the parking lot tonight.

ps

I don't have melanoma cancer.  Phew.

LOL

There were a couple of moments tonight that I laughed out loud.  It felt so good--especially after abandoning all hope of happily utilizing my throat muscles again.

The first moment was a complete surprise.  Funny Jdog loves to sit in these little box chair we have.  They are the perfect height for a budding toddler: he can sit comfortably with his feet kicking happily toward the sky.  There are a few of them positioned in his special spots around the house.  Well, after he enjoyed a good sit in one of his little thrones, he stood to attempt a short walk to the opposing wall.  His attempt failed, and somehow he became so perfectly off balance that he flipped himself (gently) around and ended up lying flat on his back, staring blankly at the ceiling with a "what the heck went wrong" expression written on his face.

One of the things I love about J's personality is that he can take a tumble.  I'm sure that being a second child has nurtured this trait, and I love it.  So, instead of scooping him off the floor into a cradle, I laughed out loud.  Yes, I was laughing at my baby, who is learning to walk.  No this was not the first time he has been staring up at the ceiling after a tumble, wearing that confused expression.  And, yes, he was alright.  In fact, I think my unanticipated burst of laughter helped him roll his big belly over, shoot me a happy grin, and continue on with his chair adventures.  It was a good laugh.

The second moment came after Atrain negotiated a slightly later bed time.  I said, "two minutes," he said, "five," I said, "No, three," he said, "four," I stood firmly with, "No, three," and he consented.  Then, he started to ask me questions about the husband being gone.  This kid is a very perceptive little boy, and he is recognizing the pieces of the puzzle that is our family's life right now.  "Why is dada in Texas? Why did he have to go alone?  Can I go with him next time and you stay here with J? What hospital will dada find a job?"--just a sampling of the questions he has been asking all day.

But, tonight he came up with some really important ones--and by their nature, I could tell that he had truly been pondering our little conversations throughout the day.  He asked intently, with his arms outstretched to illustrate the grandeur of his question, "When we move to where dada is finding a place, can I take all of my toys in one big big big box?"  "Sure," I responded, "but we might need more than just one big box, we will need a lot of them.  "Ok," he said, "lots of boxes from Ikea!"  I laughed and said, "Ok."

And then Atrain continued, "And we have to write my name on all of my toys--all of them."  Apparently I didn't take him as seriously as I should have when I said, "Ok," without making eye contact, because at that very moment I felt his little hands squish the sides of my face and pull my eyes up to meet his, "Listen!" he demanded, "Go get a marker so we can write my name on my toys!"  I laughed out loud as I said, "Ok I will go right now!"  And that's just what I did--at least until his elongated three minutes until bedtime had expired.  We have a lot of work ahead of us.

I love to laugh with my kids.  And, sometimes at them too.  More often than not, when they see me laughing, they join right in.

Strep

I am sick sickety sick sick. Strep throat is the enemy. He has taken razor blades to my tonsils.  They feel like infected golf balls stuck to the back of my tongue. I talk like a wookie. My body has been fighting fevers valiantly with fits of sweat and shivers.  I barricade myself beneath blankets all day long.

The husband is in MN doing residency interviews. The kids and I hide out at the in laws all day. I have the best in laws. Their generosity makes me cry like a baby. I feel like a baby--a baby that takes four advils a few times each day. It can only get better?

I'm supposed to get my mole's results tomorrow. I hope i dont have melanoma.

Among Us

'You have a lovely heart,' Atrain told me tonight as I sat hunched over with chills at the kitchen table. My fever has hovered around 102.8 all day.  But Atrain could make any sickness melt away.  He looked at me adoringly as I faded in and out of sleep at the husband's parents' home.  I am so lucky to have such heavenly help. And that Jdog, so patient and forgiving of my shortcomings. Today it was so easy to see that God gave me angels for sons.

Gnashing of Teeth

Today was a horrible day at church.  I don't even know how it all happened.  The husband was even there.

Atrain was on a roll--spiraling down into utter chaos.  It was like trying to put out a fire with gasoline.  Sparks of irreverence grew into flames of flailing, hitting, crying, screaming, ignoring fits.  And Jdog was personally offended every time I put him down.

And then my heel broke.

And then I didn't have the keys to the car.

And then once I retrieved them and drove all of the way home, I didn't have the key to my house.

And then I growled and gnashed my teeth in frustration.

And it made baby J cry.  I don't like to talk about that.

We did go back to church.  Thank heavens for good nursery teachers.  And, who cares about having shoes on, anyway.  I'm going to have to really gear up for next Sunday--come armed with all sorts of new positive reinforcement ammunition to help my boys behave, and hopefully feel closer to God.  Isn't that what Sunday is supposed to be about, anyway?  I never imagined feeling the Spirit at church would take so much work.

5 for 5

A-asymmetry
B-border irregularity
C-color variegation
D-diameter greater than 6mm
E-evolving over time

The mole I had removed today was five for five with these melanoma warning signs. I should have had the thing removed years ago. My doctor actually used the 'd' word when explaining what could happen. Now my morbid imagination keeps running away with me. I want to raise my kids. I hope my results are favorable. Procrastination would be a horrible cause of death.

November Remembering

It's never too early to remember:

• Trick or treating with my boys in the Francypants' neighborhood.  Atrain was in heaven.  After just a few warm-up houses (when he took a little more than was polite), he quickly caught on to the routine.  He paraded door to door with the greatest of joy, exclaimed "trick or treat," "thank you," and sometimes "I'm a cousin" with fervor.  All the while, little baby Yoda watched the excitement from his stroller, with his bottle in tow.    
• Waking up on November 1st and successfully forcing myself to forgo the spoon full of sugar on my cereal.  It is "no sugar November," except for Thanksgiving day--and it will taste all the sweeter.
• Watching my baby J play with his eye lashes while drinking his bottle before bed.  He closes his eyes and sweeps his fingers across his feathery lids.
• Asking Atrain (the day after Halloween), "What have you been doing in your room with the door closed?"  And hearing his response, "Just lying down on my bunk, eating some candy bars."  I giggled, and said "Wow-chocolate sounds so good right now," to which he responded, "They are candy bars mom, not chocolate, and they're the best."
• When I accidentally bonked my head into Jdog's head, he giggled, and leaned his head forward for more friendly bonking.  Now, it's our secret greeting--like a hand shake, but better.  Sometimes we do it on purpose; other times it's a complete accident.  But, every time it's a funny, familiar encounter that makes my heart double in size.
• Hearing the first word that comes out of Atrain's mouth every morning, "MOM!" he yells.  Even if it is followed by, "I need to go potty!," it's a great way to begin the day.
• Being encouraged by the husband to keep writing.  He believes in me, in my imaginative ideas and my book dreams.  There have been so many moments in the past couple of weeks when he has pushed me out the door to "go write."  
• Seeing baby J courageously set out on his feet to find me.  There is nothing sweeter than that expression: excitement, fear and pride mixed all into one adorable, chubby-cheeked grin.

Memories do have expiration dates.  I try to hold onto them as long as I can.  I guess I'm just lucky to have so many I want to save.  Perhaps keeping pieces of my life in boxes and in words is a way of remembering how fortunate I am, and how much I have to give. It will be a good month of remembering.

Date Night

Tonight the husband and I borrowed my mom's new convertible and took off for an adventure.  The plan was to eat at our favorite Thai restaurant, go to a dollar movie, and cruise up the canyon to find a great spot to make out under the stars.  But, for some odd reason they have closed the infamous look out point we were hoping to hit up.  Maybe the authorities assume we're too far into the winter season for there to be much public interest up that avenue.  I protest.

Things did not go as planned, but it was an awesome night, nonetheless.  We got to share dinner with Gap and Bambie, serve ourselves as much frozen yogurt as we could handle, play "freeze out" up the canyon, blow a few bucks on arcade games, break a sweat in my first dance dance revolution match ever (I stink), and cuddle in a nearly deserted theater with the man of my dreams.

It was a fabulous night.  I just love it when the husband asks me on a date.  I will never know how I got so lucky to marry him.

To be Loved

I woke up late this morning with a helium balloon tied to my wrist, a stuffed three-eyed monster snuggled under my chin, and a melted almond joy clenched in my hand.  I also had a few, faint recollections of the moments my sweet son entered to adorn his exhausted mamma with such prized paraphernalia.  I am loved.

It was a wicked Halloween night.  Jdog spent four hours last night with wide open, tear filled eyes, telling me how much he loves me in screams and fits of pain.  He didn't want to eat.  He didn't want to sleep.  He only wanted to point at every interesting thing, exclaim "wow was dat" and then push it away in disgust--upset that nothing could assuage his aches.  I remain frustrated with only a few poor guesses as to what is ailing him.  But it's most likely his one year molars.  Whatever it is, it does feel wonderful to be loved.  He would only calm to my snuggle and song.

And, it is lovely to hear the husband up, in the kitchen doing dishes and making green smoothies for the boys while I sleep.  I love it even more when he says, "let's go on a date tomorrow," while wrapping his arms around my waist.  Mmmmm.  It feels good to be loved.
 

Missionary Halloween Monday

My dear brother,

It is Halloween, and I hope that you are happy.  Do Elders do anything to celebrate?  It is a Christian holiday, you know.  Perhaps parading around to people's door to proclaim the gospel of Jesus Christ is a better way to celebrate than parading around in costume, asking for candy?  Nevertheless, I'm going to have a blast trick or treating with the kids tonight.  I just have to figure out a way to make the husband look like Obiwankanobe rather than a shepherd.  But, way to celebrate the true meaning of Halloween, by spreading the word of God.  I sure love you.

Well, I attached some pictures I thought you would enjoy.  I hope your email lets you see them...they may be kind of big, but I just couldn't resist, since it is Halloween and all.  And, speaking of people unexpectedly knocking on your door, yesterday while I was getting ready for dinner at Mom and Dad's house, Cardozie came by!!!  We had been talking about him for a while, wanting to get in touch, wondering what he is up to, and suddenly there he was, on our doorstep--with his fiance no less.  He seems very happy.  He and the husband had a great time talking about their Russian missions and the experiences they had.  He is a good guy, and his fiance is so sweet--a very kind young lady who served a mission in Russia as well.  She glows with the light of Christ-and she plays the guitar and speaks Russian.  Cool gal.  He said that you don't write him back....or at least that you two haven't kept in touch very well.  You should definitely drop him a line.  I think he's planning on sending you a letter soon, as well.  He has great goals--wants to be a professor in Anthropology--and I hope the best for him.

Speaking of awesome young ladies, it is Allerina's bday!  She is awesome--one of the toughest chicks I know.  She's definitely a lot more brave than I was when I was her age.  And, she's only a couple of inches shorter than me now.  Seriously!!!  And, Dalliwag might just pass you up by the time you come home.  That would be rather comical. :)  His voice is even changing into a good solid tenor.  He thinks it's weird when I draw attention to it.  Mom bought Allerina an ice cream cake with Cinderella on the top.  She is going to be a beautiful Cinderella in two weeks.  I will give you the full review.

My family is just pushing along with our routine.  The kids were both sick and puking last week.  Yuck.  Nothing worse than puking kids.  Poor things.  Atrain spent the night in the bathroom, and I slept in the hall.  He would wake up every couple of hours and hurl whatever was left in his stomach--which wasn't much, by the morning.  I'm glad we're past that.  It is hard to be a momma of sick kiddos.  Your heart just aches for them, and wishes you could trade them places.  Especially poor J.  He's such a cuddly little bug.  Some of the things he does remind me of you when you were a baby--you would lie your head down on my belly and go to sleep.  That seems extraordinary now that I think of it---I can't imagine many babies being  that calm and content to lie their head down and fall asleep on their sister's bellies.  It was so sweet.  I'll always remember my little brother JD.

But here you are, serving a mission.  Good work, buddy.  I hope all is going well.  I have been thinking about you a lot--a lot a lot.  I have no idea what is really happening with your gal back home, but I wish the best for you and for her.  All I know are perimeter details, and even then they're a little sketchy.  I don't need to know anything more, really.  You probably don't need any advice about missions and relationships, but all I know is that the best thing for the husband was to tell me he didn't want to know anything about anything that was happening between me and the boys I dated at home (and I dated a lot), he just knew that if it was right, it would work out when I got home.  And, it did.  I think I was a pretty good catch.  But, you know what is best for you.  And, more importantly, God knows what is best.  He won't instruct us on every detail, but He will empower us as we humbly appeal for his help.  Faith is the key to a strong relationship--Faith in God, faith in your love and faith in his/her love for you.  If that someone you love is someone who makes you want to be a better person, more diligent and devoted to the Gospel and our Heavenly Father, you can't go wrong.

Anyway, enough of that.  The best thought I have for the day comes from a talk given by Brother Wilcox, "His Grace is sufficient," of the Sunday School presidency: when we think of the atonement of Christ, and his grace, we should not focus on, "have you been saved by grace?" we need to continually ask ourselves, "have you been changed by grace?"  It's not, "what has God saved us from?" it's "what has God saved us for?"  Finally, we are not "trying to earn our way to heaven," as many evangelical Christians mock us for.  We are "learning our way to heaven."  We will never want to reside in Heaven if we have not learned to be heavenly.  No unclean thing can reside in the presence of God, and no unchanged thing will want to.

A lot of those lines are from His talk--just notes I took.  But, incredible reminders that we are not in this alone, brother.  God has paid our debts in full--and no matter what we can do, there is no way to "repay" him for all He has done.  He wants us to take it--to take his atonement and be changed by it--the same way a mother pays for a child's piano lessons *in full* even before the child begins practicing.  Why does she do that?  For the hope that the lessons will change that child, will help them to see how full and enriched and full life can become as we learn the instrument.  We are learning to be instruments in the hands of God, my dear JD.  Don't be too hard on yourself.  God does not expect us to play full concertos right now.  He just wants us to keep practicing, keep taking the lessons--keep going.  To keep taking the atonement into our lives, each day.  He loves us so much.  I know that He lives and that He took upon himself my sins, brother.  I know that he wants me to come back to Him, and to be changed by these lessons we are going through in this life. 

I love you.  Thanks for your example.  I pray for you, and thank you for your prayers for me and my family.  Heaven knows, I need them!!!

Love,
MJ

***********
For anyone who wants to listen to the talk, here is the link:

http://byutv.org/watch/49475abb-10d4-4f45-a757-7000b9945468

It was the best 30 minutes I've spent in a long time.