It is Time

I'm sitting on the couch, next to the husband, twiddling my wedding ring around my finger with my tongue, considering my life.

I'm considering my boys--their quirks and their charms: Jdog laughing out loud right on cue whenever the husband stares at him and laughs; Atrain teaching me about the sacrament today, "we remember how Jesus brings us to choose eternal life," he said (possibly connecting discussions about the scripture he will recite this Sunday (2 Ne 2:27) and our conversation about the sacrament).

The husband is agonizing over his choice between his Ohio and San Diego residency program interviews, drowning his sorrows in the latest season of "Arrested Development."

I'm thinking about the gift my sister in law Hilly gave me for Christmas--"A Year in the Puddle," printed out and bound with her love and blood. It was a book.  And, I had written it.

And, I'm giggling as I recall my recent unplanned, serendipitous sleep over with Bambi.  We crafted deep into the night and then fell asleep by each other on the couch.  She asked me about my book--not the puddle book--the one I've been building for a couple of years now.  As I told her, that familiar flame of excited fear began to burn in my belly.  I felt the same flicker when the weight of the printed "Year in the Puddle" paper sat in my hands.

It is a flame I have been flirting with for a while--the kind I whisk my fingers through, daring it to burn me, strangely hoping that it does--just a little.  I've been afraid of it, knowing that keeping my family's fire alive and well is my first priority and greatest joy.  Hence, "The Puddle Project," a way to combine my feverish desire to record, to create and to practice stories on a page, while keeping my mind settled in my home (as it always will be).  It was only designed to be a year-long project...a place to splash and plan and prepare.  It is a good feeling--every purpose has been fulfilled except that last, little leap forward into the unknown.

I've been fighting it.  As the year turned, I felt that it was time--but it is so difficult to say goodbye to something that has been so good for me.  It helped me grow into a mother of two.  It made me shift my attitude, broaden my perspective, and set my sights on the mother I want to become.  But, when Bambie asked me, "Are you hiding behind The Puddle?" it was as if we were back in junior high and she was throwing back the shower curtain exclaiming, "It's time to go!"  She didn't tell me what to do.  Good sisters never need to.

So, it is with a scared, yet inspired heart that I bid adieu to my safe, warm, predictable puddle to adventure into other oceans of authorship.  I'll try not to take myself too seriously.  I'm excited to attempt to replace my daily puddle writing time with book writing time.  My mother muddling will continue faithfully on my revamped family blog (if you need an invitation, please let me know).  My home and family will always be the best fire burning in my life.  It has been an incredible journey.  Thank you for puddling with me.

xoxo--MJ