Today felt like getting hit in the face with tomatoes: juicy, giant tomatoes that snickered as they splat against my forehead. Atrain awoke at 5:45 with a grumpy hangover. That didn't bode well for the day's activities: mapping the cochlear implants at the audiologist--a series of sound tests that also test Atrain's patience. So when we arrived at the audiologist I should have been more prepared for a difficult appointment. But I wasn't; especially because Atrain's vertigo spells had an effect on his cochlear maps. I guess that it's kind of like getting so sick that you experiencing drastic changes in vision and need a new glasses prescription overnight. Not a common phenomenon.
I definitely hadn't braced myself for impact of that fat tomato. My son's hearing has been somewhat 'blurry' since our trip to the ER on mother's day--maybe even before then. I hate things I can't control and don't understand. I especially hate that no one really knows what he is experiencing, that there are no solid warning signs or certain triggers, and essentially no answers. It's all educated guesswork, and it's hard to trust a trial and error process when my son's health is at stake.
Atrain is fine. He did much better at the appointment than I did, in fact. He took the tedious appointment in stride, patiently playing the electrode beep computer game and telling the audiologist what he could and could not hear. All the while, I sat there annoyed by my ignorance and all that I can’t control. I even started to imagine every rude, irresponsible thing I wanted to do when we left the office: cut people off in traffic without using my signal, change a poopy diaper on a restaurant table, allow my kids to yell, run and wreak havoc in a public library, etc. Then I pictured myself snapping back at all of the people shooting dirty looks in my direction. “Deal with it!” I yelled at each and every one of them. If only I were so brave. I’m sure it would feel good right now. Release some tension. Maybe even make me laugh. I need that.
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ReplyDeleteHahaha, was that supposed to make me chuckle? Because it did; I hope you don't mind. You are awesome. Turn your kids loose in a public library... yell, "Deal with it!" haha. You handle the stresses of motherhood better than anyone I know!
ReplyDeleteI was at the park yesterday with Mom and Allie and my kiddos. Another sweet mother was there, happily yelling out at her kids every few minutes, things I repeat often like, "Just go play!"... "Get down from there or we are leaving NOW!" I turned to Mom and truthfully admitted, but rudely remarked, "Geez, I'm glad to get an idea of what I sound like when I yell at my kids! It's inspires me to stop doing it." Mom said quietly, "She totally heard you and gave you a dirty look." And I instantly felt bad for judging her and possibly making her feel bad. Mom said with a giggle, "Just kidding, she really didn't!" and I was relieved. It made me reflect though, on the phrase "sorrow that the eye can't see" and how we really have no idea what challenges and burdens people around us are dealing with. Besides, I doubt you've ever yelled at your kids. That's something I'd like to hear! If you do, you can know that you're not alone. There's at least two other moms that occasionally yell at theirs. :) And if you take them to my public library and turn them loose, I promise not to judge you.
I chuckled too because I have similar fantasies when I feel like I have a disproportionate load to carry. A coping mechanism that we use when it just seems unfair? I love your honesty. And I dare you to change a poopy diaper in a restaurant...
ReplyDeleteso we weren't supposed to let the kids run around at the highland library the other day..? hmmm.
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