Many strange things have happened to me as a mother. I’ve watched my abdomen balloon to the size of a basketball and independently wobble with life inside; I’ve become completely tolerant of touching many disgusting bodily byproducts; and, random line-ups of toy cars are an integral part of my interior decoration scheme (just to name a few). But, perhaps one of the strangest things that occasionally happens amidst all of the things I’m trying to find (sunscreen, keys, the card, the grocery list, the email responses, the dirty diaper, where Atrain may have put Fin McMissile, which side I fed Jdog on last, etc. etc. etc.), is that it’s easy to loose myself in the mix.
It’s strange, really, when I search for the familiar sense of self I thought I knew so well, only to find pieces of that person and some undefined stuff in between. I hear my voice and the nagging, “Please obey me when I ask you the first time,” words I speak and I idealize the former version of myself, wondering where the fun, sweet, spontaneous me went. Next, I lose focus, which then inevitably leads to a harrowing, guilty conscience. Yesterday, I actually asked my mom, “Why do we do it?” The words tasted biter and full of regret as soon as they left my tongue.
Of course I know why. And the only reason I asked my mom such a stupid question was because I knew she would understand what I really meant: help. After a few good conversations and some un-tethered time catching up on my scripture study, LDS conference council and enjoying my kiddos sans household duties, my perspective is a lot clearer. I am a mother because I love God. I am a mother because I love my husband. I am a mother because I love the little souls I am blessed to nurture—so much that I want to turn myself inside out to protect them. I am a mother because I know that raising good kids is the greatest contribution I can make. Nothing is more important than this responsibility I chose to bear.
Perhaps that is why it is so difficult; I want to be the best mothering-me I can be, but I am still learning who she is. I’m sure I will always be, and I am ok with that. This weekend the words of a familiar scripture wrote themselves so clearly in my mind, and took on new meaning:
Matthew 10:39, “He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it.”
I want to get lost in motherhood. I don’t need to be concerned about that me that I was when I didn’t have kids and how she compares to the me that I am now. I am going to focus on who I am becoming, rather than who I was. And, when I’m wishing for a little more of myself to go around, I need to remember that God can make more of me than I could have ever make of myself.
You are in a particularly grueling stage of motherhood right now. I read my journal entries from when my boys were your boys' age, and I remember well the angst I felt. It gets so much better. I have loved my boys desperately at every stage, but I haven't loved every aspect of my life surrounding my boys at every age. I remember feeling incredible stress at trying to keep up with housework. It was truly a millstone around my neck. It's easy to say "let the housework go and enjoy your children," but it's not practical in reality. Disciplining children before they get to a stage where they can be rational is also thankless and exhausting. Hang in there. I know you love so many things about where your boys are right now, but I also know how hard it is. I promise it gets better.
ReplyDeleteI read your blog in the morning when I am eating breakfast. (I really enjoy the way you write and appreciate your talent). I particularly love your insights on motherhood. You are honest and you say things the way they are (I love this). Being a mother is hard. I have four children and I sometimes kick myself for not enjoying my first two children more. I was stressed (and I still am)and didn't just enjoy my kids where they were at. This is what I am trying to do now. Enjoy my two year old (even when he is being 2), enjoy my seven year old (even when he is writing me notes telling me he doesn't like me anymore), enjoy my five year old (who is constantly talking), and enjoy my sweet 3 month old (who simply just takes a lot of time). My goal is to enjoy my kids where they are at every day the best I can. Motherhood is the hardest job on the planet, but it is definitely the most rewarding job as well :). Have a wonderful day! Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
ReplyDeleteYour post makes me weep as I carry my fifth child and lay here tonight wondering why. I have searched for who I am for so long but have also based it around who I was before I was a Mother when the fact of the matter is that it is more importnt to realize who I am becoming, by way of motherhood. Thanks for the post Mel and for reminding me of such important ideas that seemed to have slipped my mind during this emotionally difficult pregnancy. :)
ReplyDeleteBeautiful. You are such a good example of turning to the Lord in all of it and remembering the big picture. I think the idea is that, after it all, we will look back at who we were and realize that motherhood has made us so, so much more.
ReplyDeleteYou are still that fun, sweet, spontaneous girl. I feel that all the time when I'm around you. But now you can add to that the seriousness of a conscientious mother learning what it means to give and care so much that it hurts.
Thank you for this post Melinda. I am totally guilty of stalking and never commenting but I loved this and needed to hear it! I have this battle in my head all the time wondering if I can throw my whole self into being a mom or if I am going to wuss out and continue to work outside the home. Good reminder that no job is as important as my little girl!
ReplyDeleteI just loved this post! (I love them all by the way) I have felt the same way, so often. Thanks for some new perspective.
ReplyDeleteThank you, everyone, for your comments. It is so good to know that I am in good company. You all strengthen me.
ReplyDeleteMelinda-- You, my friend, have a way with words. What a beautiful post! I loved every word. It was music to my ears. Thank you!
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